Seinfeld post (the post about nothing)

So, the hoopla died down and then started again. I think the chick knows about my IF problems though, because she's been very friendly and does not baby talk with me. Thank Heaven for small favors.

I brought hubby into work today to show him off. One of the girls was like "oooohhh..." I didn't know whether to say Thanks and be happy he was being admired or put my fist through her skull. (I know, anger issues)

In even more personal news, my sex life is non-existent. Since we've been taking a break I guess we're both taking a break from sex? UGH. I'm starting to lose my mind. Doorknobs are starting to look sexy to me. I keep throwing myself at him, but it seems our schedule is off. When he's ready I am soooo not and vice versa. Oh well, hopefully we can meet in the middle one of these days before my hymen growns back. LOL The touch of warm weather we've been having doesn't seem to help either. I get spring fever so badly.

Now here's where I need some help. My brother and I download really old 80's music and send to each other. Who can find the most obscure song. For instance, I recently got Eddie Murphy's "Party all the time" Does anyone remember that? If you can, please post with a song suggestion! I need help to beat my brother!!LOL

Take Care!
Mish

Ten Facts About Me

Thanks for the comments all. It was so hard to deal that day.

In other news, I think my lower half is trying to do something on it's own without meds. (I never get AF without meds.) I've been feeling crampy for a few days and my breasts feel kinda heavy. I'm just dealing though. Not getting excited about the thought of MAYBE becoming "normal", whatever that may be.

I've been keeping to myself at work lately since the "incident." Hoping that all the hoopla will just die down and go away. I truly am happy for the chick, I just want her to be happy at least 100 yards away from me. LOL

So...I did something drastic yesterday. I went for my usual 8 week trim and...I chopped all my hair off!! I usually have long hair that goes way past my bra strap...Now, I cut off at least 4 inches and my hair barely touches my shoulders. I feel so empowered! It was amazing walking out of the salon with less hair. Then I got home and was shell-shocked and started worrying about hubby's reaction. (He LOVES long hair.) Then I thought, eh, fuck him if he cant take a joke and now I can't tear myself away from the mirror. LOL I will post some pics of the before and after as soon as I get up enough gumption to do so.

Maybe it feels nice to just be in control of something. (I've told you before, simple things make me happy) In honor of my recent "empoweredness" (I know that isn't a word!) I've decided to take Ornery's lead and publish some little-known facts about myself.

1. I am Indian, like from India (no, I do not have a "dot" LMAO)- Born in Trinidad which is in the West Indies, But have lived in New York since I was one.

2. I'm 34 years old and have been married since I was 19. This year will be 15 years so I'm feeling the pressure big time of ttc.

3. I spend a lot of time online. So much so that I'm made fun of by others.

4. I only recently became close with my Mom. She was kinda hard to deal with growing up and in my 20's, and I only started to look past her and my Dad's flaws after my dad had a heart attack and I realized. "Shit, when they're gone, they're gone." Luckily, Dad is ok now.

5. I am a creature of habit. I love to drink and smoke and eat. I'm a time bomb waiting to go off. (A quote from internal med doc.) LOL

6. My hubby is not Indian. He is half Spanish and Half Jewish (what a combo) but he looks Irish!

7. I dig the eighties so much that my ipod is filled with obscure songs from Toto, Cindy lauper and Lionel Richie.

8. I once was prescribed an anti-anxiety med that almost made me take my own life. (Apparently, I was not chemically imbalanced and the medicine had an adverse effect.)

9. I'm slightly OCD with numbers. I count everything. Not to the point of being "rainman" but it can become annoying at times.

10. Deep down, I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to stick to this diet and take the meds and exercise and do what it takes to have a baby. I don't want to look back on this time in my life and say "gee, if I had just done..."

So, that is me and my ten facts. Hope you found them interesting!

Have a great week. :)

Mish

I'm evil

I'm blogging from work because we have a "situation."

There is a girl in my office who is five months pregnant with her first. (Good for her really, God bless) BUT right now there is a circle that has formed around her with lot's of questions and "oooh's" and "ahhhhh's" and CUTE!! and UGH!

Why am I so evil? Why am I sitting in my cubicle with my back to everyone ignoring the comotion? Wouldn't I want people to be excited for me? I figured it was better to sit here and ignore than go over and be fake. You know? I hope she has a healthy baby, but I JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! I want to turn around and scream, "Go away!" but I decided instead to type.

I have to completely change my lifestyle and lose my mind daily. Waking up and facing the day has become a struggle for me all to just have one freakin baby and it seems that everyone in the universe can just pop em out like nothing. I'm so angry at myself for being so upset. I'm probably rambling again. I'm a terrible rambler when I get upset.

I better leave before satan and her minion come over and catch me blogging.

Mish

First Day of Spring

Today is the first day of spring! Hooray! Of course, to celebrate it was bitter cold and very windy. Today is also the spring solstice which I believe is the longest day of the year. I usually "celebrate " by making a change in my home. (odd, i know!) Today I went with my Mom and bought new curtains for the bow window in my kitchen. It looks so pretty! (Doesn't take much to make me happy.) LOL

I also started my first day of dieting. I haven't had one sip of diet soda and believe me I felt it. I looked like some kind of crack addict walking by the soda case at lunchtime. My friends asked "Mish, are you ok?!" I just kind of nodded as I couldn't speak because I swear my mouth turned to cotton and I had this crazy heartbeat that spoke to me. It pounded in my ears.. "Diet Pepsi...Diet Pepsi." Now, it could of been condensation, but as I walked away from the case, I could have sworn one of the bottles shed a very small tear.... I am a soda addict in the worse way (as if you couldn't tell!) LOL

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. I had a good breakfast a salad for lunch and then a normal dinner. I'm not starving myself. What I am doing is checking blood sugar levels after each meal. If they come up too high, then I analyze what I ate and adjust accordingly. For instance, this morning I had half of a buttered roll. My blood sugar was a whopping 207! Tomorrow, I will try whole wheat toast and see what kind of difference it makes.

This eating plan really sucks ass. And on top of this I'm supposed to quit smoking too?! Why don't I just shove a broomstick up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm walking as well! I'm being dramatic I know. Hopefully tomorrow will be a tad easier and then the day after that...and the day after that. I have to keep reminding myself that the end justifies the means.

I am the little engine that could:

"I think I can, I think I can."

Primetime

So, I was watching television with hubby when my g/f called and said "put on channel 7!" This was not an odd request because we tend to watch a lot of television together. For those who are not familair, Primetime is a news show with various different stories. The story that we were watching was about how people will lose more weight when there is shame involved. The story is that they took these five very overweight people and took pictures of them in bikinis. They then gave them each 8 weeks to lose 15 lbs or else they would show the bikini pics on national television. I has two thoughts at this point:

1. OMG, what a great idea!
2. OMG, what a terrible idea!

LOL. I know, I'm schizo sometimes. The end result is I thought it was a great idea. I'll let you read the story to find out if they lost or not, but I started to wonder if that could actually work if I did it to myself. What if I took a bikini pic and threatened myself to post it? It couldn't actually work, because how would anyone really know if I had lost the weight. I wish I could find some people to try this with using some other form of public humiliation.

I know it may seem like I am taking this too far with the whole public humiliation thing, but it seems like (for me) it would be the jump start I need. Eh, I guess I'll find another way, but the whole human experiment aspect was very interesting for me.

In other news, T (hubby) seems to be slacking in the super sweet husband department now that we are taking a break. For some background, since we got married I've been kind of neurotic about my house and cleaning and such. Since we've been ttc, I slacked. Plain and simple. Sometimes the dishes sit there for days while I try to muster up energy after being poked and prodded and working a full day.

Well, the other morning, I woke up earlier than usual and walked into my kitchen to make my customary cup of green tea. I stepped on something and was so repulsed by how my home looked, I started to clean. Boy did I ever clean my house. By the time T woke up I had cleaned the house, packed lunches and was playing a game of Texas Hold Em on the computer sipping my green tea looking very much like Super-Wife.

Do you know what he said? Instead of great job babe! or Nice! He said "Cool, I'm glad to see you're getting back to your old self." I was really mad! Does cleaning and cooking make me a good wife? Doesn't getting blood drawn every third day and having an ultrasound wand shoved up my cooter along with appointment after appointment AND working a full time job make me a good wife? Maybe I'm being too sensitive? I don't know. I just know it pissed me off. I swear to you, when we are cycling he is Prince Charming, but now that we've stopped I feel like I have to prove myself in other ways as well. As I sit here typing this, I'm thinking... "Gee maybe I should just stay up and clean so he's proud of me. I know. Issues.

A good kind of boring

Ahhhhhh... Finally. No tests to go to (for now.) I get a break! It feels good to get back to a time where the dishes in my sink are my biggest problem. I made an appointment for the endocrinologist. The next appointment they have is not until next month, so T and I decided instead of ttc this month, we are going to wait and get a full work up from the endo. This took a lot of self control, lemme tell ya. Though I suppose it is better to wait another month or two and get the full work up, find out if I really do have diabetes and fix it instead of filling my body with drugs, yell at everyone I care about and be an emotional wasteland for 30 days to find another BFN. Self control is a bitch. (I've developed such a potty mouth! Sorry)

Work is ok I guess. My mgr and supervisor or as I like to refer to them (satan and his minion) are out of the office for this week. It's like a dream come true. I'm managing to get my work done without being micromanaged. Imagine that! LOL

I've been shopping for treadmills and gyms. In fact, I need to find a personal trainer too. Dammit, I'm having this baby and I'm gonna lose enough weight that I'll be one hot hoochie too. (Perhaps it's just too late and I'm delusional) I really want to change. It's burning inside of me. But I also realize I need help. Big time. I'll get the help and lose the weight. Then I'll wow you all with fantabulous before and after photos like you see on TV. (trimspa baby!) Kidding, no weight loss pills are passing through these lips.

It was so nice here (Long Island, NY) and now all of a suden it's winter again!! Booooooooo I was getting used to the sunshine on my face. It was filling me with hope. Come back sun... I need you.

Well, it's obvious I'm rambling so I'll head out before I embarass myself further. Good Night...and Good Luck.

Mish

Finally, a theory!

Went for bloodwork results today. Actually, the docs office called and asked me to come in due to some "abnormal." You should have seen my face when the cell rang and Docs number showed up. So, I went, but called T to come home early and come with me.

Doc came in the room looking very somber and said the obvious. That my white cells were up again, 14.8. This did not surprise me, but then he told me my fasting glucose was 159 and that isn't good. After a lot of yada yadas and blah blahs, he finally introduced a theory. He seems to think that I have full blown diabetes and that is what's causing me to miscarry. At first I thought, "what an ass" but then I really started to think about it. I started ttc about the same time I was diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" and haven't been able to carry. He feels that the diabetes is causing infection inside of me thus raising my wbc. Makes sense I think. My blood sugar really has never been totally regulated, but I've been really blaming it on my PCOS and inability to properly process insulin. He told me to start thinking about insulin, that it may be the only way to conceive and carry a baby to full term. (just typing that gives me goosebumps...imagine he is right?!)

I would shoot my ass full of bumblebees if it meant I could have a healthy baby.

I'm off to see an endocrinologist and nutritionist as I am extremely overweight and hopefully these are the steps to making my dream (our dream) come true. Though I am not thrilled about the idea of insulin, I will do what it takes. I will start a healthy eating plan again and finally join the dang gym I've been meaning to. I'm 34 years old. The time is now. The hardest part of his advice was to quit smoking immediately which isn't working well as I am smoking as I'm typing. This weekend I'll do some research on ways to quit. If anyone has advice on that, I'm open!

I'm glad these past two weeks of agony and tests and waiting are over. I have some answers, but also new questions. I'm optimistic and almost looking forward to seeing the endocrinologist. Perhaps they will shed some light on my situation and make me healthier at the same time. It's time to start treating my body like the temple that it is and stop bitching and moaning. Good Luck to me!

Mish

Survey Says...

Negative. My mammo was negative!!!!!!!! The lump in my armpit turned out to be (ugh) a blackhead under my skin. Can you guys believe that? I lost sleep over a blackhead. I was in shock and awe (lol) when the Radiologist announced it. That being said, hats off to the radiology clinic for having the mammo suite. Since this was my first, I am not yet used to these things. I was ushered into the warmest room complete with candles, confectionaries and soft radio playing in the background. I guess a lot of nervous women walk in there, so kudos for them trying to keep us sane. I was thoroughly impressed, more so than even the RE's office. Great Job guys!

Secondly, yesterday I went in to my doc for a routine EKG (I know, what the hell is routine about that?!) because on top of my other assorted medical problems, I have high blood pressure. Well, Doctor Primary told me it was abnormal and I had to 1. have a ton of bloodwork done (we all know how I feel about bloodwork) and 2. See a cardiologist asap. I was so disturbed by that I couldn't even blog about it to tell everyone. I was like "Are you fucking kidding me?" He wasn't. So, on top of my mammo and sono, I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and have 4 tubes of blood drawn. Then go have the mmao and sono and then follow that with a Cardiologist visit. The vampire at the blood drawing center found a vein without a problem, which was good cause I was in such a bad mood over this blood in the first place, I would have stabbed her in the neck with the needle had she missed it. (kidding!) The Cardiologist said my bp was normal and to come back for a stress test which I scheduled for May. (I need time to work out to run on that treadmill! LOL)

Out of the four things I did today, three were ok. Now I am waiting on blood results. Trying not to freak, because of Obi-Wan and his wisdom. I am guessing if something was SEVERELY wrong they would have called today with abnormals. (crossing fingers) Will keep all posted on blood test results.

I really am making headway in this non-worrying department. I'm trying and also, I'm just giving things to God. I'm ashamed to say that I normally don't just "give" things to God, I try to sort them out myself and make my way on my own. This past week, I just finally gave in and said "OK God, this is yours. I'm giving this to you because I just can't take it anymore" Well, the big guy came through big time.

I feel like this speed bump on the road of my life is making me stronger. All of a sudden, Follistim isn't so scary and the Progesterone needles don't seem that big. I have renewed hope and a lot more courage. I'm starting to believe again that maybe (just maybe) I will have that baby after all.


Smooches,
Mish

Everything I needed to know, I learned from Star Wars

So. I know this is going to sound very gay and/or hormonal (I swear I'm not taking anything!) but today I was watching Star Wars, Return of the Sith. (aka, part three) At first, I was just watching cause T (hubby) wanted to, and it was kind of cool to finally see the conclusion. Then there was a scene where someone said "Fear of Loss is the path to the Darkside"

Now, I don't know why, but it just stuck with me and struck a chord inside of me. I've been so afraid of everything lately that it's killing me. First, to give some background story a couple of years ago I was diagnosed as having an elevated WBC count. The # is never super high, just a tad above normal. For instance, normal is like 4.0-11.0. Mine is usually between 12-14 at any given time. My Docs sent me through hell that year. I saw any and every Doc known to man, including my least favorite, the hematologist. He tested me for Leukemia and ever since then, I have been so terrified of blood tests and Docs and sonos that it shakes me to my core. (I can share this fear with you guys now that I am getting to know you all more personally. )

Turns out, (THANK YOU GOD) I do not have the "L" word, but my elevated count is also still unknown. They have titled it "reactive leukocytosis". Now, every time the docs send me for even routine tests, I blow a gasket. I literally shake as the tests are being done. I know I will shake on Tuesday for my breast sono and mammo. I'm not looking forward to this. I become irrational (this is very hard for me to admit) and start to semi-freak. T says I just worry, but after all the bloodwork they have found Factor V Leiden which is some clotting thing, some other mutated gene (do I get an X-men superwoman name now?) and thalassemia, which causes anemia. I get so scared because every time I go somewhere they find something else.

Way too long story even longer - I was starting to get a little scared again for Tuesday and then I sat down to watch this movie. "Fear of loss is the path to the darkside" He's right. Damn you Obi-Wan for reading my soul! LOL I'm scared, but I will be ok. Maybe I took this line and molded it to help me but I don't care. I feel a little better.

May the force be with you.

Mish

Hmmmmm

You ever get the feeling you're being watched? I do...I think my friends found my blog. Is there no privacy?! AGGGHHHH!! Well, all I can say is this isn't for them to read, as I don't read THEIR diaries, so if they've stumbled upon it and saw something they didn't like, then too dang bad. This is my blog, not theirs. I hate stupid people.

Nothing else much to report today. We had about 5 inches of snow and the roads were ick. People get retarded driving in the snow and nothing annoys me more than 4 wheel drives and SUV's that think they have carte blanche in the snow!! Hello people, you're vehicle has a rollbar BUILT in for a reason dumbass!! You are not exempt from slipping and sliding like everyone else. Shit, I'm probably better off, cause I'm closer to the ground. LOL If something should go wrong, I don't have that far to fall. :)

I'm feeling better cold wise. I was so worked up over my upcoming mammo, I didn't even realize that in the interim, my cold went away. Sheesh. Enough of me and my boring self. I'm gonna go to bed early and get a good nights sleep. I'm pooped!

Mish

Blown away

I am and probably will continue to be for a very long time, completely blown away by the love that I feel from everyone. Thank you for your comments and well wishes. I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time from my old time friends. I think I have finally found a place where I can say and feel whatever the heck I want without facing repercussions from judgmental and non-understanding people. For this I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been stopping by and letting me know that someone cares.

I told my two best friends what I was going through with the mammo. One of them as per usual was understanding but as soon as I told her we went right back to the "My life as a mom" conversation. It's cool, because that's her thing, but it's just so not my thing right now. I think we need a middle ground, a common place to meet. Of course I care and all that jazz (Really, I do!) But sometimes how you dress your daughter up like a dolly is just not where I need to be and what I need to hear. (don't get me wrong, I love them) See? Already I feel guilty. My other friend listened. Made no comment and then moved on. We haven't breathed a word about it since. (This is the same girl who told me I was a bad friend because I wasn't there for her) Hilarious, I know.

My mental state is ok. My Pastor says we are to leave it to God and walk away, and I am trying to do that. I'm trying to not panic or freak. Besides, once this is over I'll have much bigger fish to fry. I have a baby (or two! LOL) to make.

Long story longer... Thank you again everyone. Your caring has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Hugs and baby dust to us all ladies!

Mish

I called

Nothing to report out of the ordinary today. After hubby called and nagged me, I made the mammo appointment. They put me in as an emergency (gee thanks) and it is for next Tuesday the 7th. I'm sure it will be fine. Shit, if I start losing hope now I'm doomed! LOL I wouldn't mind a couple of prayers if anyone has the time... :) I want this to be done and over with so I can get started on the next cycle. (Can you believe I actually am looking forward to it? Who am I?!)

Talk soon,
Mish