Confirmed

Went to doc's today. My negative hcg confirmed it. I am not pregnant. The good news is that I'm no longer pissed off. (sorta) LOL Now it's off for more testing. Hysterosalpinogram and that test for Cushings Disease/Syndrome. *sigh* I hate tests...

Another Stop Sign

So...I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and said to hubby "I think I'm getting my period" which would be a freaking nightmare because Hday is on Wednesday. if I get a period then I'm not pregnant! I was dizzy all day and feeling generally shitty. I came home, went to the bathroom and what the fuck!! There was blood. Frikkin AF is here. I can't believe this! For a brief moment I tried to rationalize it. Maybe this is implantation bleeding... But in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I called Tony and asked him to pick up a test on his way home. That's right, and please excuse my french here - BUT FUCKING NEGATIVE again!!

I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I'm REALLY pissed. Only I, the hormonal wasteland of a woman could fuck up 13 eggs. Seriously.

I have an appt tomorrow for an Hcg, yah - keep dreaming doc! and to do a sono because I once again am hyperstimulated. This bites like nothing else.

The logical Spock-like part of me says "it's ok, it's better to just have it be negative than positive and then miscarry again" but the other part of me (the reality tv in-your-face part) says this is bullshit! When is it going to happen?

Ugh, I'm so angry I wish I could control it. I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish that I wasn't so jealous of women who look at a penis and get pregnant. I have to go. I am feeling so negative that I need to sleep this off like a drunken stupor.

Angrily yours,
Mish

Day 1 of change

OK, I finally did it. With the help of my angel (tony) I got up and did something. I cleaned my bedroom and the rest of the house. I also started my spring cleaning (i know, early.) Hooray for change. I am starting to feel almost human. Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with one of my very good friends and am going to start living life instead of just existing.

In other news, only 3 more days until H-day. (LOL, HCG testing to see if I am pregnant). I keep having weird dreams that my HCG level will come back super high. I'm trying to not get my hopes up as the letdown is just too much to bear. For all you other TTC'ers out there, I know you get me.

Tomorrow, I am going to pack my sneakers and some sweats and I am going to walk at lunchtime. Our building has a gym, so I might as well get some use out of it.

Talk again tomorrow, let's see how the change keeps going.

Time for a change

I was sitting in my chair on this beautiful Saturday watching my many hours of TiVo'd shows. I was looking around at my extremely unkempt house and it was if I was looking at it for the first time in a year or so. You see, I used to be the type of person who was neurotic about cleaning. Over the past year or so, something changed. I'm different. Thinking about it now, I think I am depressed. I don't clean nearly as much as I used to. My friends used to say "Leave the dishes, they'll still be there when you get back" in order to get me to go out with them for an impromtu lunch or movie. I wish I could say that I no longer keep my house or life as organized as I used to be because I am always out. I'm always in my chair. I'm always ignoring the dishes - throwing clothes on the floor instead of hanging them up. I do NOTHING but go to work and doctors appointments during the week and on the weekends I can't be bothered to do anything. Is there something wrong with me? I don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I've done nothing but get poked and prodded, then come home and wait. What the hell am I waiting for? Even if by the grace of God I do become pregnant, will I even be capable of taking care of a baby? I know this is somewhat jumbled, but this is my brain right now. I don't like who I am anymore. I hate me. It's time to wake up out of this stupor that I'm in.

I cannot stop my life because I'm trying to create life.

I owe more to the peope here..NOW who are supporting me. Tony deserves a better wife. My parents deserve a better daughter and my job deserves a better employee. I need to make a change. I need to go on a diet, join a gym, clean my house and wake up out of this haze that I'm in. I need to go back to Chruch and learn to love myself again. I'm more that an infertile woman. Because I don't have a child (yet) it doesn't mean that life goes on hold until I do have that baby.

God help me to take that first step toward change.

Exhausted

Today I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. I fell asleep at work!!! I had a full nights sleep so it's gotta be the Progesterone injections. I would actually blog s'more, but as I type this my eyes are closing. Before I go, I was lurking through another persons infertility blog and found the following pic. It's from a sight called Postsecrets. http://www.postsecrets.com People write in their deepest, darkest secrets.

This is so touching I had to share.



Sleepily yours,
Mish

Feelings

OK, So it may be the hormones, but lately I am overwhelmed with emotion. I cried watching an episode of Star Trek when Lt. Worf (Gawd I'm such a geek) performed the bonding ceremony. I yelled at some of my coworkers when they told me that my hormones were "no excuse" for my behavior. Let me tell you something, my body is going through some major shit right now. I'm told that I have EIGHT times the amount of hormones of a "normal" woman raging through my body now. I can't stop from flying off the handle, or crying or just being sad. This really bites. I'm starting to get scared that it just won't happen. What will I do? adopt? no thanks. I know there are children out there waiting to be snatched up, but truthfully in my selfish way I just wanted someone to take my place. Someone to call me Mom. I want my own. I'm 34 and starting to freak a little. All my life things have just worked out for me. I'm EXTREMELY lucky and blessed to have the things and people in my life that I do. I have the absolute best husband in the world, which is a real blessing, since I honestly haven't been the best wife. I have great friends who drive me freaking insane, yet I wouldn't trade them for the world. Though lately, they have been pissing me off big time - when push comes to shove and I pick up the phone, I know they will be there.

So back to pregnancy. I am in only day 4 of my 14 day waiting period. Shouldn't I be feeling something by now? I'm so impatient. Tony (hubby) and I had dinner for our siblings and a few friends and afterwards I bent down to put some heavy pots away. I had the worlds worst pain, it stopped me in my tracks. Did I do something to my little egg? UGHHHHH This sucks so bad. I watch TV and see all the people, all the NORMAL people. Young couples who have kids. I'm so jealous I turn green. Why did I wait this long to start trying?! I know everything happens for a reason, but sheesh.

I was working on Friday (I'm a claims examiner for an insurance co) and I was entering this inpatient claim. This poor person had cancer of everything it seemed. Her brain, lungs, breasts, liver, spine...etc. I checked her age and she is only 34!! She is my age. I think about this girl constantly. She is on my mind. This faceless person. I wish I could hug her and tell her they will fix this and she will be ok. For all or anyone who happens across this, please say a prayer for her. Jane Doe we'll say. But pray.

I am wired right now and should be getting to bed. But again these emotions are keeping me up. As I sip here drinking my green tea, my eyes are welling up again bouncing from random thought to random thought.

Again, it must be the hormones but feelings are feelings.

Bombs away!

Went for insemination today! Last count showed 13 eggs and believe me, it hurt like hell when I ovulated today. Eeeeek! I was in so much pain that I was almost in tears. The procedure itself went well. The doc took hubby's sperm and washed it and we got 37.5 million. Hubby's chest is puffed up with pride as I write this. LOL I'm feeling better this evening. Now I have a 2 week waiting period. In two weeks, I go back and have a pregnancy test. Keeping my fingers crossed. :) In other news, well...there is no other news. LOL This is it! I will try and keep my blog updated for all the other ladies trying to conceive. :) Wish me Luck!! Gota run, lost is coming on soon.

My Boog

So, I just looked at some pics that my mother in law sent to me of hubby and some old ones of all the neighborhood kids. Since we all grew up together there were some REALLY bad ones of me (who knew owl glasses were so ugly) and a couple of my little brother. He isn't so little anymore, just turned the big 30. He's been through so much in his life (having cancer twice) and I'm so thankful he's here. Even though he's here and alive and well (THANK YOU GOD). I don't really know him. I feel like he's slipping away. Gone are the days of snuggling in bed, building tents and steam rollers. He lives probably 10 minutes away and it could be Guam. I learn about his life from his away messages and his blog. He is an enigma to me now. I enjoy seeing him drunk because he hugs me. (I know, sad) I really miss that little snot. I have accepted that this is the way things are and that if this is the relationship I must have with him in order for him to be here, breathing - then so be it. I'll take what I can get. Love ya Boog.

New Year

I can't believe I haven't posted since October! What a crazy last 2 months of the year. Let's see... What happened? I gotta say not much! Celebrated my 3* birthday (LOL) and started fertility again. Well, it didn't work for the 2nd half of the year, but we DID start again this year. I have been getting shots of Follistim for the past 10 days and guess what? 13 eggs. I know, I almost fell on the floor myself. Doc said don't count your eggs before they're fertilized. LOL

Other than that, which has been taking up a majority of my time, work has been good. We had our holiday party a couple of days ago and I got a little drunk. OK, a lot drunk. BUT I didn't puke (always a bonus) and danced my butt off. I shook my money maker as one of my coworkers so eloquently put it. LOL

I've decided not to share any of my fertility issues with any of my friends. It is just too important to me and if I feel blown off then it just hurts. It's better this way. I am not punishing my friends by not telling them, I'm just saving myself. I say this because last month during my 2 week waiting period (which was hell) It was hard to explain to friends who have children. OF COURSE to them I'm over reacting, I'm trying to hard, If I took it easy then the baby would just come. SHUTUP already. Gimme a freakin break. Uh oh, the anger is coming out. Squash it Mish... Breathe....OK I'm good now. :)

Today I'm off for Martin Luther King Day. I'm going to clean up a bit and try to get my life in order. Wednesday is our insemination, so that day I just want to relax in my clean home and not worry about anything. I'll keep everyone posted!