Bittersweet Spring

****Warning...This post may be erratic and all over the place****

What is it about Spring that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life? I was driving this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of someone cutting their grass. I swear it was like I was high. I opened all the windows and breathed that smell in as if it was the last I would ever have. I sailed on that "high" until I started to remember the crappy existence that I'm having now. I know they (whoever "they" are) say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing that limit now. Somethings gotta give soon. I've tried the 'positive-thinking, grin and bear it, pretend it doesn't exist, smile and the world smiles with you' way of thinking, but now...I'm just tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

For anyone that doesn't know, I am a claims examiner for an Insurance company. Yesterday, I processed an inpatient claim for a 32 year old woman who has NINE children. Yes, you read that correctly. NINE. From ages 4-16. When I tell you about the anger/jealousy/rage that overtook me...I cannot even describe it here for fear that everyone will think what a horrible person I am. I don't even need to say any more about that. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from.

I started having that pinkish bleeding/spotting again. Of course, everyone knows what a horror show google can be. I googled it and now am convinced that I have uterine cancer. *sigh* I have my biopsy coming up on 6/7, and am skeered shitless. I want to think everything is ok, but this is terrifying. Why can't my body function like a normal womans? I mean, I can deal with infertility - but I don't even get periods without help. And it's my lack of periods, hypertension and diabetes that make me a prime candidate for bad stuff down there. I find myself scowling at commercials for tampons and pads. Praying for a day that my body works like normal.

Yesterday I threw my remote (and missed, thankfully) at my TV that was insensitively showing me a commercial for Johnsons Baby Wash and mocking me as it said "Everything changes when you have a baby." No really? Thanks for the news flash fuckhead. I started writing a scathing letter to Johnson's, then got tired of typing and bawling. I turned the PC off and went to sleep crying.

Am I going through something? Why do I feel so freaking bipolar all of a sudden? Is it Spring? Is it the thought of more testing? Is it work that is paying me close to nothing to do everything? I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but then the logical side of my brain kicks in and tells me that I don't want to destroy my liver, cause then I'm fucked.

Does depression make you think that you're gonna die and give you dark thoughts? Because that is the zipper that has been running back and forth in my head. That the biospy will be bad and I have the "C" word. Whenever I am happy or having a good time, a little dark thought will creep in and zap me. My storage facility of positive thinking is depleted. I truly have sunk low. It's embarassing to come unraveled like this. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. What the hell is going on?!

God grant me the Serenity....