Saturday, May 27, 2006

Bittersweet Spring

****Warning...This post may be erratic and all over the place****

What is it about Spring that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life? I was driving this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of someone cutting their grass. I swear it was like I was high. I opened all the windows and breathed that smell in as if it was the last I would ever have. I sailed on that "high" until I started to remember the crappy existence that I'm having now. I know they (whoever "they" are) say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing that limit now. Somethings gotta give soon. I've tried the 'positive-thinking, grin and bear it, pretend it doesn't exist, smile and the world smiles with you' way of thinking, but now...I'm just tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

For anyone that doesn't know, I am a claims examiner for an Insurance company. Yesterday, I processed an inpatient claim for a 32 year old woman who has NINE children. Yes, you read that correctly. NINE. From ages 4-16. When I tell you about the anger/jealousy/rage that overtook me...I cannot even describe it here for fear that everyone will think what a horrible person I am. I don't even need to say any more about that. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from.

I started having that pinkish bleeding/spotting again. Of course, everyone knows what a horror show google can be. I googled it and now am convinced that I have uterine cancer. *sigh* I have my biopsy coming up on 6/7, and am skeered shitless. I want to think everything is ok, but this is terrifying. Why can't my body function like a normal womans? I mean, I can deal with infertility - but I don't even get periods without help. And it's my lack of periods, hypertension and diabetes that make me a prime candidate for bad stuff down there. I find myself scowling at commercials for tampons and pads. Praying for a day that my body works like normal.

Yesterday I threw my remote (and missed, thankfully) at my TV that was insensitively showing me a commercial for Johnsons Baby Wash and mocking me as it said "Everything changes when you have a baby." No really? Thanks for the news flash fuckhead. I started writing a scathing letter to Johnson's, then got tired of typing and bawling. I turned the PC off and went to sleep crying.

Am I going through something? Why do I feel so freaking bipolar all of a sudden? Is it Spring? Is it the thought of more testing? Is it work that is paying me close to nothing to do everything? I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but then the logical side of my brain kicks in and tells me that I don't want to destroy my liver, cause then I'm fucked.

Does depression make you think that you're gonna die and give you dark thoughts? Because that is the zipper that has been running back and forth in my head. That the biospy will be bad and I have the "C" word. Whenever I am happy or having a good time, a little dark thought will creep in and zap me. My storage facility of positive thinking is depleted. I truly have sunk low. It's embarassing to come unraveled like this. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. What the hell is going on?!

God grant me the Serenity....

Monday, May 22, 2006

Friends, Family,Fertility & Stuff

Hi again all. I want to first thank each and every person who either left a comment or took the time to send me an email to check on me. Especially Jenny... Who it seems is going through her own problems and still took the time to email me. Thank you hun!

Friends - *sigh* Yet another "fight" with my best friend. I suppose familiarity breeds comtempt, but honestly. I wont bore you with the details of what happened because truthfully, I'm not sure myself. My BF has a good heart. A really good one. However, her good heart sometimes gives her the impression that she does no wrong, which we all know is bullshit. One of our other friends is having health issues. My BF takes the time to tell ME about this chicks health when I'm going through my own new shit. (see Fertility) We haven't spoken well to each other in weeks and last night I called her on it. Then I hung up on her, which I KNOW is childish, but it's not above her either. I love her, but it's so hard to be her friend. (p.s. I know it's not easy to be mine either, but I've always been who I am...never anyone else.) Also, when I talk to her about my personal trainer, she pretends to be enthusiastic... at least that is the vibe I get from her.

Family - My mother drives me insane at times. Now is no different. My brother is getting married in Nov/07. She's already a lunatic. She yells at me for not spending time with her or doing things, but then turns down every invitation I put out there. Yesterday, my brother snapped at her...I came to her defense and she shot ME down! Imagine that. Even hubby shook his head when that happened.

Fertility - Apparently now the Docs think I have hyperplasia?! WTF. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus. So not looking forward to that. They wanted to do a D&C, but I nixed that and chose the less invasive approach. First I will have the biopsy (remember how much I love waiting for results) then take Provera to bring on a period then a sono. My fertility treatment is currently on hold pending those results. My biopsy is scheduled for 6/7. Wish me luck. I'm just so ready to get started again. These road blocks are killing me.

Stuff- OK, for some good and lighter news. I planted yesterday!! I will take pictures and post them of my little garden. I cant wait for everything to bloom. Any sign of life for me is a good one.

My personal trainer is working out so well. It is the best 40 bucks I spend every week. I believe I'm down 15 lbs now. I've never felt more sure of a weight loss plan before. I'm extremely proud of myself here. I've never stuck to anythng for quite so long before.

Well. That's it for now. Thanks ladies for listening. It means a lot.

Mish

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Another One

I've been depressed for weeks, and just figured out it's because of Mother's Day. I cannot believe I am 34 years old and another Mother's Day is here and I am still childless. I can't even begin to explain, nor would I have to because anyone who reads this feels my pain.

I saw the new RE. Nice guy, kind of a dork. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus because my lining is so thick. I can't even comment or freak about this, that is how depressed I am. Other than needing clearance from several docs, I will be starting a new cycle soon. He seems optimistic, but so was I at one point. The feeling is gone.

My new personal trainer, (aka Atilla) is working out fine. I lost 11 pounds in two weeks. I can't even be excited about this, because I feel like "too little, too late."

Anyway, that's my update. My friends as usual are petty and unsupportive so I really need some help girls. I'm sinking into a deep dark place and I don't know how to get out of here.

Michelle