So I lied.

I Lied. Yesterday, when I said I was OK with any testing that was necessary for the lump thingee in my armpit. I was lying, I just didn't KNOW I was lying. I went today for the pap. Doctor pokey very nice as usual. "blah blah, healthy cervix, yada yada" I said (tentatively) "There is something under my arm I want you to feel" He seemed fine and asked me to point it out. I couldn't find it so he went digging himeself. "Oh there it is! Pea sized..." And that, my friends is when I knew I was lying. I broke out into this sweat. This very calm and controlled panic started to overtake me. When he sat down and opened his handy-dandy notebook and I saw him start to write "mammogram" I think my heart stopped for a quick minute. He said "oh it could be anything, but this IS Long Island so we better get it checked out". I know I nodded and my mouth was open which he must have taken as a sign of acceptance so he kept talking. "Besides, you're going to be 35 this year, so I would have gotten a baseline mammogram(WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THAT?) anyway at the end of the year when I turn 35.

At this point, I regained my vocal skills and asked (quietly) "Should I be worried?" His response was "no, don't worry - but it's better to get these things checked out".

So, here I am about to start googling the hell outta breast cancer and panicking. My throat is dry and all I can think is "If I have breast cancer, now I'll never have kids." That goes to show you how twisted we intertility gals are. I'm dazed and confused and (I know, rambling) More than anything I'm scared. No. I'm terrified.

Tomorrow, I'll make the appointment and then try to regain composure. (Breathe Mish...in thru the nose...out thru the mouth)


Mish

PMS?

I am a bitch. Seriously. I was such a bitch today to my honey that I thought he was going to strangle me. LOL I THINK this may be PMS? It's so hard seeing as I never get AF and my cycles are so weird. All I know is it better be something or hubby is gonna kill me soon! lol

Didn't do much today except shop. I bought some well-deserved and needed items. (black dress pants, shoes, etc.) Now I can get rid of those dang highwater dress pants I've been wearing.

Starting to feel a tad better. Tomorrow is my yearly pap that's overdue. Time to hear those words we women just adore... "slide down please...ok a little more...just a little more...now, let your knees fall apart" LMAO As I'm typing this I realize it sounds like the words hubby used to say when we first started dating. (I'm laughing as I type this!) I also am in dire need of a breast exam since breast cancer is the highest on Long Island! I found this teeny tiny lump in the fat part of my armpit, so I'll point that out as well. It is terrifying, but I'd rather just show him and deal with tests than to become another Long Island statistic.

I need happier news now. That was freakin' depressing! I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. When I was a file clerk in a Doctors office just starting out my career, I used to dream of a job like the one I have now. Strange huh? I used to wish for a cubicle and the "work sweater". (You know, the ratty old sweater you keep on the back of your chair because the building temperature is never right) So, now I have that job. I have a really good job. I'm grateful! God, thank you. It's so amazing for me to see how far I've come career-wise. I started out as a file clerk, then worked front desj, then front desk supervisor, starting doing the Docs transcription, then Surgical Scheduler, Medical Biller, Claims Examiner and now here I am at Claims Adjuster. I applied for a position in the QA department at my job. Now I understand why Mom and Dad were so tired coming home from their real jobs. It's not that easy! My friends, probably with the exception of Diana have no clue what I do really. Sad I know. Anyway, I'm not "going there" tonight about my friends. What I would like is for everyone to say a little prayer for my friends Dad who is having a procedure done tomorrow...and for another friend of a friend who recently passed from cancer. The world goes round and round. Better hang on people.

I'm feeling way to melancholy. New subject! I've been looking for add ons for my blog. I was inspired by Jenny (see link to the right). Her blog is so cool! So if anyone knows where to find these add ons and how to work them, let me know! :) I spose thats it for now. Have a great week!

Smooches,
Mish

Getting better I think

Starting to feel a little better. The phlegm (I know, eeew) is just making me cough and keeping me up at night. UGH!!

Today I did a lot of running around. I took a lot of steps to fight this whole identity theft thing so hopefully all these steps will start clearing up the issues.

My friends invited me to a movie...an hour before I needed to be ready. LOL At least they asked right? Truthfully, if I wasn't still all stuffly, I would have gone. (though it seems a tad brisk outside!)

Right now I am sipping black tea with lemon and honey hoping that these tried and true cures really do work. Monday is my annual pap... (I'm overdue!!) so I'm not looking forward to that. It's been like 2 years since my last one. I know, I should know better. It just seems like with all the people that see me nekkid and probe me south of the border that things should be ok. LOL Better safe than sorry I guess.

I can't wait for this cold to go poof cause I was doing so well on an eating plan.. (I'm in diet denial, it's an "eating plan") But right now, since I've been feeling so rotten I've been wanting (and getting) all comfort foods. I hope to God to be thin one of these days. I relly have a lot of potential. I hear all the time "but you have such a pretty face". That makes my blood boil over. I want to be like "WTF is THAT supposed to mean?!" Of course, I usually say nothing and smile and do the whole polite thing. When people have been pissing me off lately, I've been inclined to say "This is SO going in the blog!" No one seems that scared though. LOL Ah well, I can try to scare them. I am gonna go googling and see what kinds of neat things I can incorporate into my blog...I may be back!

Smooches,
Mish

I'm sick!

Ugh..I need the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, aching stuffy head fever so I can rest medicine. I hate colds!! OK, not a huge problem, but I've been sick. I went to the Docs today after 3 days of fighting. Upper respiratory infection, hooray! LOL I got the dreaded poop and vomit at the same time medicine (Amoxicillan) so, this should be an interesting weekend. LMAO

Other news...Since I'm PCO, I normally do not get my period without the help of Mr. Provera, but the way my body feels and the way my hair is greasing up makes me swear I'm getting it! Imagine that? Of course now that I've vocalized it, it won't happen. Nothing else much to report. Work is busy as hell now that I've taken two days off. You wouldn't believe how many claims come across my desk. *sigh* so many sick people.

The ATM thief is still at large. Bastard. I hope your penis falls off...no, that's too Lorena Bobbit of me. I hope it stops working. There! Now we both have parts that won't work right. Sheesh, I'm evil today huh? I've gotta go get ready for my weekly Poker game. Time to show the boys that a woman can play. ;) Talk soon.

Mish

Presidents day

Wow, I am such a bum!! LOL I did nothing today except write a few letters that needed to be written and clean a little. Oh, I also cooked dinner! Whoo hoo, go me.

I'm enjoying the last few days of my month off from TTC. It has been such a pleasure not to have mood swings or just feel rotten for no reason. It has however, given me new strength to face yet another month. I know it could be worse, I could have no chance whatsoever. *sigh* Somehow, it only takes me so far.

Anyhoo, after my mini nervous breakdown yesterday regarding my friends, I started looking throigh some other blogs. I found out that I am NOT alone!! Other women in my situation are going through the same thing with their friends. For a while I was starting to believe the hype, you know? I was starting to think that maybe it really was me that was the terrible friend. I found this great blog by a woman who wrote this post about how to be friends to an infertile. I read it crying it was THAT good. Here is the link:

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

I actually emailed this to 2 of my closest friends. We will see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I know that I took a positive step in trying to salvage our friendships.

So, back to work tomorrow. I can't believe my three day weekend went so fast! Now no more days until (gasp) Memorial Day! Eeeeeeek!! How will I manage? I bet there will be some HCG and Follistim needles out there to keep my mind off of it. LOL

Tomorrow,
Mish

Update 2/19/06

So, the hysterosalpingogram was fine. My tubes are open and I have a small fibroid. Apparently, it isn't anything to worry about.

What I really need to vent about are my friends. I really am so sick and tired of the non-understanding I get from them. One of my friends is broke, I mean really broke so I gave her some advice, which apparently she resented. My advice was to stay home and not spend any money. WHOA! What a terrible friend I am huh? Well, go F yourself, honestly. This is the same person I give food to and money when I am able. I swear to you I wasn't looking for an "atta boy" or anything even close. I just wanted to help her through her time of need. Also, because I have dedicated most of my time to trying to get pregnant and doctors appointments, it's been said that apparently I stay home all the time. *sigh* There are times when I am at the Doctors so much that being home is my only refuge. I shouldn't have to explain that (or myself for that matter) to the people who are supposed to be my FRIENDS. Should I be punished or thought less of because I actually enjoy spending time with my husband?! I mean, wtf?! I don't walk around talking about how I think she should not be spending all kinds of ridiculous money om shit that is wasteful! NO, I'm just here for her when she asks me to be.

I swear to you I'm so tired of these so called friends of mine. I'm ready to sever the ties. I have other friends who are respectful of me and what I'm going through. I'm so grateful for them. It's so painful to me that my core group is the least supportive of me. I love them so much and it cuts me like a knife every time I hear (and believe me, I hear everything) something that was said about me.

In other news, someone stole my ATM card out of my mailbox and emptied my bank account. GOD help that person if I ever find out who they are. The world is letting me down more and more each day. I won't give up hope though. Still living with hope. (Even if I am home)

Talk soon,
Mish