So I lied.
I Lied. Yesterday, when I said I was OK with any testing that was necessary for the lump thingee in my armpit. I was lying, I just didn't KNOW I was lying. I went today for the pap. Doctor pokey very nice as usual. "blah blah, healthy cervix, yada yada" I said (tentatively) "There is something under my arm I want you to feel" He seemed fine and asked me to point it out. I couldn't find it so he went digging himeself. "Oh there it is! Pea sized..." And that, my friends is when I knew I was lying. I broke out into this sweat. This very calm and controlled panic started to overtake me. When he sat down and opened his handy-dandy notebook and I saw him start to write "mammogram" I think my heart stopped for a quick minute. He said "oh it could be anything, but this IS Long Island so we better get it checked out". I know I nodded and my mouth was open which he must have taken as a sign of acceptance so he kept talking. "Besides, you're going to be 35 this year, so I would have gotten a baseline mammogram(WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THAT?) anyway at the end of the year when I turn 35.
At this point, I regained my vocal skills and asked (quietly) "Should I be worried?" His response was "no, don't worry - but it's better to get these things checked out".
So, here I am about to start googling the hell outta breast cancer and panicking. My throat is dry and all I can think is "If I have breast cancer, now I'll never have kids." That goes to show you how twisted we intertility gals are. I'm dazed and confused and (I know, rambling) More than anything I'm scared. No. I'm terrified.
Tomorrow, I'll make the appointment and then try to regain composure. (Breathe Mish...in thru the nose...out thru the mouth)
Mish
At this point, I regained my vocal skills and asked (quietly) "Should I be worried?" His response was "no, don't worry - but it's better to get these things checked out".
So, here I am about to start googling the hell outta breast cancer and panicking. My throat is dry and all I can think is "If I have breast cancer, now I'll never have kids." That goes to show you how twisted we intertility gals are. I'm dazed and confused and (I know, rambling) More than anything I'm scared. No. I'm terrified.
Tomorrow, I'll make the appointment and then try to regain composure. (Breathe Mish...in thru the nose...out thru the mouth)
Mish
5 Comments:
Best of luck. My parents tried for four years, back in the 1950s, before succeeding in conceiving my older sister.
Good luck... hope it's nothing!!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Best of luck with your mammogram...I'll be thinking of you.
Also, thank you so much for reading my blog and leaving that lovely comment. Your supportive and encouraging words meant so much to me. I just wanted you to know that I echo your sentiments; if you ever need someone to talk to or need any moral support, please know that I'm here for you.
Hi - I came across your blog a while ago, but I don't think I've ever commented.
I just wanted to say that I hope that everything is o.k.! Good luck!
I am sorry you are going through this. Nobody needs extra worry while dealing with IF.
Just so you don't feel alone, I want to tell you that I went through a very similar experience last year. I felt a lump in the shower and my dr. was so concerned I was sent for both an ultrasound and mammogram. Both showed that I have lumpy breasts - that's it, nothing wrong.
I am not saying there is nothing to worry about, just that I hope it turns out o.k.
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