Time for a change

I was sitting in my chair on this beautiful Saturday watching my many hours of TiVo'd shows. I was looking around at my extremely unkempt house and it was if I was looking at it for the first time in a year or so. You see, I used to be the type of person who was neurotic about cleaning. Over the past year or so, something changed. I'm different. Thinking about it now, I think I am depressed. I don't clean nearly as much as I used to. My friends used to say "Leave the dishes, they'll still be there when you get back" in order to get me to go out with them for an impromtu lunch or movie. I wish I could say that I no longer keep my house or life as organized as I used to be because I am always out. I'm always in my chair. I'm always ignoring the dishes - throwing clothes on the floor instead of hanging them up. I do NOTHING but go to work and doctors appointments during the week and on the weekends I can't be bothered to do anything. Is there something wrong with me? I don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I've done nothing but get poked and prodded, then come home and wait. What the hell am I waiting for? Even if by the grace of God I do become pregnant, will I even be capable of taking care of a baby? I know this is somewhat jumbled, but this is my brain right now. I don't like who I am anymore. I hate me. It's time to wake up out of this stupor that I'm in.

I cannot stop my life because I'm trying to create life.

I owe more to the peope here..NOW who are supporting me. Tony deserves a better wife. My parents deserve a better daughter and my job deserves a better employee. I need to make a change. I need to go on a diet, join a gym, clean my house and wake up out of this haze that I'm in. I need to go back to Chruch and learn to love myself again. I'm more that an infertile woman. Because I don't have a child (yet) it doesn't mean that life goes on hold until I do have that baby.

God help me to take that first step toward change.