Feelings

OK, So it may be the hormones, but lately I am overwhelmed with emotion. I cried watching an episode of Star Trek when Lt. Worf (Gawd I'm such a geek) performed the bonding ceremony. I yelled at some of my coworkers when they told me that my hormones were "no excuse" for my behavior. Let me tell you something, my body is going through some major shit right now. I'm told that I have EIGHT times the amount of hormones of a "normal" woman raging through my body now. I can't stop from flying off the handle, or crying or just being sad. This really bites. I'm starting to get scared that it just won't happen. What will I do? adopt? no thanks. I know there are children out there waiting to be snatched up, but truthfully in my selfish way I just wanted someone to take my place. Someone to call me Mom. I want my own. I'm 34 and starting to freak a little. All my life things have just worked out for me. I'm EXTREMELY lucky and blessed to have the things and people in my life that I do. I have the absolute best husband in the world, which is a real blessing, since I honestly haven't been the best wife. I have great friends who drive me freaking insane, yet I wouldn't trade them for the world. Though lately, they have been pissing me off big time - when push comes to shove and I pick up the phone, I know they will be there.

So back to pregnancy. I am in only day 4 of my 14 day waiting period. Shouldn't I be feeling something by now? I'm so impatient. Tony (hubby) and I had dinner for our siblings and a few friends and afterwards I bent down to put some heavy pots away. I had the worlds worst pain, it stopped me in my tracks. Did I do something to my little egg? UGHHHHH This sucks so bad. I watch TV and see all the people, all the NORMAL people. Young couples who have kids. I'm so jealous I turn green. Why did I wait this long to start trying?! I know everything happens for a reason, but sheesh.

I was working on Friday (I'm a claims examiner for an insurance co) and I was entering this inpatient claim. This poor person had cancer of everything it seemed. Her brain, lungs, breasts, liver, spine...etc. I checked her age and she is only 34!! She is my age. I think about this girl constantly. She is on my mind. This faceless person. I wish I could hug her and tell her they will fix this and she will be ok. For all or anyone who happens across this, please say a prayer for her. Jane Doe we'll say. But pray.

I am wired right now and should be getting to bed. But again these emotions are keeping me up. As I sip here drinking my green tea, my eyes are welling up again bouncing from random thought to random thought.

Again, it must be the hormones but feelings are feelings.