Another Stop Sign

So...I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and said to hubby "I think I'm getting my period" which would be a freaking nightmare because Hday is on Wednesday. if I get a period then I'm not pregnant! I was dizzy all day and feeling generally shitty. I came home, went to the bathroom and what the fuck!! There was blood. Frikkin AF is here. I can't believe this! For a brief moment I tried to rationalize it. Maybe this is implantation bleeding... But in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I called Tony and asked him to pick up a test on his way home. That's right, and please excuse my french here - BUT FUCKING NEGATIVE again!!

I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I'm REALLY pissed. Only I, the hormonal wasteland of a woman could fuck up 13 eggs. Seriously.

I have an appt tomorrow for an Hcg, yah - keep dreaming doc! and to do a sono because I once again am hyperstimulated. This bites like nothing else.

The logical Spock-like part of me says "it's ok, it's better to just have it be negative than positive and then miscarry again" but the other part of me (the reality tv in-your-face part) says this is bullshit! When is it going to happen?

Ugh, I'm so angry I wish I could control it. I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish that I wasn't so jealous of women who look at a penis and get pregnant. I have to go. I am feeling so negative that I need to sleep this off like a drunken stupor.

Angrily yours,
Mish