Everything I needed to know, I learned from Star Wars
So. I know this is going to sound very gay and/or hormonal (I swear I'm not taking anything!) but today I was watching Star Wars, Return of the Sith. (aka, part three) At first, I was just watching cause T (hubby) wanted to, and it was kind of cool to finally see the conclusion. Then there was a scene where someone said "Fear of Loss is the path to the Darkside"
Now, I don't know why, but it just stuck with me and struck a chord inside of me. I've been so afraid of everything lately that it's killing me. First, to give some background story a couple of years ago I was diagnosed as having an elevated WBC count. The # is never super high, just a tad above normal. For instance, normal is like 4.0-11.0. Mine is usually between 12-14 at any given time. My Docs sent me through hell that year. I saw any and every Doc known to man, including my least favorite, the hematologist. He tested me for Leukemia and ever since then, I have been so terrified of blood tests and Docs and sonos that it shakes me to my core. (I can share this fear with you guys now that I am getting to know you all more personally. )
Turns out, (THANK YOU GOD) I do not have the "L" word, but my elevated count is also still unknown. They have titled it "reactive leukocytosis". Now, every time the docs send me for even routine tests, I blow a gasket. I literally shake as the tests are being done. I know I will shake on Tuesday for my breast sono and mammo. I'm not looking forward to this. I become irrational (this is very hard for me to admit) and start to semi-freak. T says I just worry, but after all the bloodwork they have found Factor V Leiden which is some clotting thing, some other mutated gene (do I get an X-men superwoman name now?) and thalassemia, which causes anemia. I get so scared because every time I go somewhere they find something else.
Way too long story even longer - I was starting to get a little scared again for Tuesday and then I sat down to watch this movie. "Fear of loss is the path to the darkside" He's right. Damn you Obi-Wan for reading my soul! LOL I'm scared, but I will be ok. Maybe I took this line and molded it to help me but I don't care. I feel a little better.
May the force be with you.
Mish
Now, I don't know why, but it just stuck with me and struck a chord inside of me. I've been so afraid of everything lately that it's killing me. First, to give some background story a couple of years ago I was diagnosed as having an elevated WBC count. The # is never super high, just a tad above normal. For instance, normal is like 4.0-11.0. Mine is usually between 12-14 at any given time. My Docs sent me through hell that year. I saw any and every Doc known to man, including my least favorite, the hematologist. He tested me for Leukemia and ever since then, I have been so terrified of blood tests and Docs and sonos that it shakes me to my core. (I can share this fear with you guys now that I am getting to know you all more personally. )
Turns out, (THANK YOU GOD) I do not have the "L" word, but my elevated count is also still unknown. They have titled it "reactive leukocytosis". Now, every time the docs send me for even routine tests, I blow a gasket. I literally shake as the tests are being done. I know I will shake on Tuesday for my breast sono and mammo. I'm not looking forward to this. I become irrational (this is very hard for me to admit) and start to semi-freak. T says I just worry, but after all the bloodwork they have found Factor V Leiden which is some clotting thing, some other mutated gene (do I get an X-men superwoman name now?) and thalassemia, which causes anemia. I get so scared because every time I go somewhere they find something else.
Way too long story even longer - I was starting to get a little scared again for Tuesday and then I sat down to watch this movie. "Fear of loss is the path to the darkside" He's right. Damn you Obi-Wan for reading my soul! LOL I'm scared, but I will be ok. Maybe I took this line and molded it to help me but I don't care. I feel a little better.
May the force be with you.
Mish
4 Comments:
I don't think you're being irrational at all! In fact, I think you're incredibly brave and amazing to have gone through all those tests, endured all those mind games, and still come out of it with your heart and your humor intact.
And although I'm not one of those Star Wars fanatics, I do believe there are some deep words mixed in with some of the cheesier dialogue!
Wisdom can be found in the oddest of places . . . but I say: take it WHEREVER you find it!
Well it's about time star wars was good for something! :) Wow I think you are allowed to freak a little after all you have been through. Take care and good luck Tuesday
Every song I hear is about infertility, although I am sure it really isn't. Don't worry, you are not alone. I find "infertility" messages in the strangest places.
All the best for your test today. The physical part isn't bad, it's the mental part that makes it hard.
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