The good, the bad and the complex

UGH. This is my 2nd time typing this!! Damn you Blogger!!

Anyway, moving on...

Last week I was having horrible back pains. I went and saw the RE who told me that I had a giant complex cyst on my left ovary (which I thought was odd because the pain was on my right side.) They did some bloodwork and called me later in the afternoon. The RN told me she had good news and bad news... The bad news is I'm not pg, but the good news is that the cyst is a big ole complex corpus luteum cyst that means... (drumroll please) I ovulated!! Ta-da!! All on my own. I'm a big girl now! LOL I was so proud of my body for O'ing on it's own, I instantly thought back to when I announced to Mom that I got my period and all the neighborhood ladies and my aunts brought me presents and started calling me a "young lady" (The funny part of that story is that the presents were pads. Wrapped pads.) LOL I was mortified but so proud of myself, which is how I felt about that damn cyst and O'ing. The cyst is so large it was radiating to my right side and causing just the worst pain. Ouch! I was told that since I o'd on my own, I would be getting my period on my own too... Ooooh, dare to dream! My progesterone was a good level (11) and had I gotten pg I was told I would have sustained.

I'm not upset, I'm happy. Happy my body did something normal for a change. :)

In other news, Today is my birthday!! Whoo hooo!! I turned 35 today. Any day above ground is a good day, so I can't be upset. My honey got me a day at a spa and 3 dozen long stemmed roses. He wrote in the card "To my future baby's mama, love your future baby's daddy." How cute is that?! I love him so much. We just celebrated our 15th Anniversary. :) I'm so blessed to have such an understanding man.

I was going to post some pics after this of our vacation, but then that's when Blogger kicked me off so I won't risk it. lol

Talk soon!!

It's been longer than I thought!

I cannot believe how long it's been since my lazy ass came on to post! I'm so proud and happy for my formerly infertile friends who are soon to become mommies! (I say proud because after a while when one succeeds, its like we all helped!)

Not much is going on with me. I just finished a eound of Clomid and am in my 2ww period. As we all know, it's just hellish. I had taken the summer off because I was having some kind of medical problem (as usual) and I had to focus on that for a bit. Happily, all was well and so we started TTC again in September. :) I went back to basics and tried Clomid again. I felt like maybe we were pushing my body too hard with the injections because I kept being hyper stimulated. I had a giant juicy follie and went on vay-kay with that. I never saw the LH surge, but I was feel ICK! I felt like my actualy unterus and ovaries were sore...Anyone ever get that? Anyway, I'm ASSuming I did O because it just hurt so bad.

Went to the docs today for some really bad sciatica-like back pain thats been bothering me. I noticed I've been sleeping an awful lot and my breasts feel heavier than normal. Trying not to get our hopes up as we've been down that road before. Tomorrow having rouint bloodwork for my back pain and Doc threw in a QHCG.

Well, regardless of my results tomorrow, I have to say it's ok...Because I have hope in all of you ladies that are expecting!! You have given me hope and I thank you for that.

Until tomorrow....

Mish

Update

Back again, with good news. I had the biopsy done on 6/7 and guess what? It turns out I have a normal uterus. lol. When the doc called me to let me know (only after 14 days when I called him) I was like "Thanks Dick!" Of course I didn't actually say it, but I thought it, really hard!! LOL

We have decided to let this cycle just be and then jump back in next month. I'm excited, but apprehensive. I know it's going o be a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally, but u gotta do what u gotta do right?

I've had two family members in the past month offer me their uterus' (would it be uteri?) in case my luck is crappy. Though I was thankful (I swear God I am!) I still feel it might be too soon to start leaning that way just yet. Maybe I'm just avoiding the inevitable, but it really is important to me to FEEL the baby inside of me. I know it's going to sound silly, but I just (ha!) want to create life.

I was doing quite well with the personal trainer and then I missed three weeks in a row due to illness. Legitimate illness. I had some killer viral sinus thing. She called me and withdrew as my trainer. Said I wasn't being "consistent." I really hate that chick right now. I feel like she let me down....but I also feel like "fuck her" I don't need her. I can do this on my own. After belly shots and progesterone shots with the giant pen sized needle, do I really need this 95lb twit to teach me how to walk? Dammit, I am woman, hear me roar!!!

Other than that stuff, work is stressing me hard. Even typing "work" made my blood pressure shoot up by 30. I guess I had better start working on leaving work there and prioritizing.

So here I am, with AF brought to you by Provera. I'm just living right now, and passing time until next cycle. I can't really complain about anything major, and I'm thankful. In the meantime until next month I will concentrate on getting med records and clearances before the next trial. (scratch trial...until I GET PREGNANT) I've been around and lurking on everyone's blogs, but I was in such a dark place that I couldn't leave any encouragement for you ladies. Believe me, you have all been in my prayers. I m thankful for and appreciate ALL emails and comments. You guys helped me through a pretty dark time.

Suppose that's it for now...I'm sure my next post will include a hangover story... lol I plan on going out for this holoday weekend and really having a great time. (having a great time=DRINKINGGGGG) LOL

Talk soon!
Mish

Bittersweet Spring

****Warning...This post may be erratic and all over the place****

What is it about Spring that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life? I was driving this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of someone cutting their grass. I swear it was like I was high. I opened all the windows and breathed that smell in as if it was the last I would ever have. I sailed on that "high" until I started to remember the crappy existence that I'm having now. I know they (whoever "they" are) say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing that limit now. Somethings gotta give soon. I've tried the 'positive-thinking, grin and bear it, pretend it doesn't exist, smile and the world smiles with you' way of thinking, but now...I'm just tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

For anyone that doesn't know, I am a claims examiner for an Insurance company. Yesterday, I processed an inpatient claim for a 32 year old woman who has NINE children. Yes, you read that correctly. NINE. From ages 4-16. When I tell you about the anger/jealousy/rage that overtook me...I cannot even describe it here for fear that everyone will think what a horrible person I am. I don't even need to say any more about that. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from.

I started having that pinkish bleeding/spotting again. Of course, everyone knows what a horror show google can be. I googled it and now am convinced that I have uterine cancer. *sigh* I have my biopsy coming up on 6/7, and am skeered shitless. I want to think everything is ok, but this is terrifying. Why can't my body function like a normal womans? I mean, I can deal with infertility - but I don't even get periods without help. And it's my lack of periods, hypertension and diabetes that make me a prime candidate for bad stuff down there. I find myself scowling at commercials for tampons and pads. Praying for a day that my body works like normal.

Yesterday I threw my remote (and missed, thankfully) at my TV that was insensitively showing me a commercial for Johnsons Baby Wash and mocking me as it said "Everything changes when you have a baby." No really? Thanks for the news flash fuckhead. I started writing a scathing letter to Johnson's, then got tired of typing and bawling. I turned the PC off and went to sleep crying.

Am I going through something? Why do I feel so freaking bipolar all of a sudden? Is it Spring? Is it the thought of more testing? Is it work that is paying me close to nothing to do everything? I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but then the logical side of my brain kicks in and tells me that I don't want to destroy my liver, cause then I'm fucked.

Does depression make you think that you're gonna die and give you dark thoughts? Because that is the zipper that has been running back and forth in my head. That the biospy will be bad and I have the "C" word. Whenever I am happy or having a good time, a little dark thought will creep in and zap me. My storage facility of positive thinking is depleted. I truly have sunk low. It's embarassing to come unraveled like this. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. What the hell is going on?!

God grant me the Serenity....

Friends, Family,Fertility & Stuff

Hi again all. I want to first thank each and every person who either left a comment or took the time to send me an email to check on me. Especially Jenny... Who it seems is going through her own problems and still took the time to email me. Thank you hun!

Friends - *sigh* Yet another "fight" with my best friend. I suppose familiarity breeds comtempt, but honestly. I wont bore you with the details of what happened because truthfully, I'm not sure myself. My BF has a good heart. A really good one. However, her good heart sometimes gives her the impression that she does no wrong, which we all know is bullshit. One of our other friends is having health issues. My BF takes the time to tell ME about this chicks health when I'm going through my own new shit. (see Fertility) We haven't spoken well to each other in weeks and last night I called her on it. Then I hung up on her, which I KNOW is childish, but it's not above her either. I love her, but it's so hard to be her friend. (p.s. I know it's not easy to be mine either, but I've always been who I am...never anyone else.) Also, when I talk to her about my personal trainer, she pretends to be enthusiastic... at least that is the vibe I get from her.

Family - My mother drives me insane at times. Now is no different. My brother is getting married in Nov/07. She's already a lunatic. She yells at me for not spending time with her or doing things, but then turns down every invitation I put out there. Yesterday, my brother snapped at her...I came to her defense and she shot ME down! Imagine that. Even hubby shook his head when that happened.

Fertility - Apparently now the Docs think I have hyperplasia?! WTF. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus. So not looking forward to that. They wanted to do a D&C, but I nixed that and chose the less invasive approach. First I will have the biopsy (remember how much I love waiting for results) then take Provera to bring on a period then a sono. My fertility treatment is currently on hold pending those results. My biopsy is scheduled for 6/7. Wish me luck. I'm just so ready to get started again. These road blocks are killing me.

Stuff- OK, for some good and lighter news. I planted yesterday!! I will take pictures and post them of my little garden. I cant wait for everything to bloom. Any sign of life for me is a good one.

My personal trainer is working out so well. It is the best 40 bucks I spend every week. I believe I'm down 15 lbs now. I've never felt more sure of a weight loss plan before. I'm extremely proud of myself here. I've never stuck to anythng for quite so long before.

Well. That's it for now. Thanks ladies for listening. It means a lot.

Mish

Another One

I've been depressed for weeks, and just figured out it's because of Mother's Day. I cannot believe I am 34 years old and another Mother's Day is here and I am still childless. I can't even begin to explain, nor would I have to because anyone who reads this feels my pain.

I saw the new RE. Nice guy, kind of a dork. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus because my lining is so thick. I can't even comment or freak about this, that is how depressed I am. Other than needing clearance from several docs, I will be starting a new cycle soon. He seems optimistic, but so was I at one point. The feeling is gone.

My new personal trainer, (aka Atilla) is working out fine. I lost 11 pounds in two weeks. I can't even be excited about this, because I feel like "too little, too late."

Anyway, that's my update. My friends as usual are petty and unsupportive so I really need some help girls. I'm sinking into a deep dark place and I don't know how to get out of here.

Michelle

I'm baaaaaaccckkkk

Evening all. I didn't realize how long it was since I posted until I started getting threatening emails. LOL Thank you all for your concern. It really touched me. I swear.

Not much has been going on with me. I finally saw the Endocrinologist and he was a giant sack of "waste my time." I put off my IF treatments and waited an additional month...when I went to see him I asked him if he could help me with my fertility and he flat out said "NO." I was like well geez, thanks for nothing dill-weed. I then asked if he had a reproductive endcinologist that he worked closely with and again was met with a big fat no. Gawd, I hate Doctors. They really make me ill. Tony and I made an appointment with another RE. I need to see someone else, some fresh blood. I'm tired of not having a child. I've been away for a bit because I've just been so damn depressed about it. I didn't want to bum everyone out, especially when quite a few of you gals have hot leads. (still crossing my fingers for you!)

May 8th is my new RE appointment. This place looks promising. They actually offer massage and acupuncture as part of the treatment to help relax (ack! not RELAX?!) while undergoing the treatments.

I had a ton of (dun dun duuuuuuuun) bloodwork done with the useless endo. He told me I have a classic case of Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome. Wow dude. Thanks for telling me something I didn't know. Seriously. The goatee I continually have to wax off hadn't clued me in. The lack of AF wasn't a clue either. You went to Medical school didn't you? I can tell!

Needless to say my break from you all hasn't cured my anger issues.

I hate to dump this all on yas, but here I go again. I am so tired of not doing the one thing that makes a woman, well.. a woman. It's getting so old. ANOTHER girl at work (OMG Whoopsie!) is pregnant. And she wasn't even trying!! Imagine that! What a happy little surprise. I was like "awww!" and inside I was plotting ways to murder her and get away with it, or at least make it look like an accident. LOL (kidding!)

I finally broke down and hired a personal trainer. She is costing me $40 per hour. We start out with stretching, abdominals, muscles and then yoga to cool off. Tomorrow is my first day. I sure hope she doesn't piss me off. I'd hate to be blogging from jail. At first I was worried about the money that it is costing me, then I looked at my receipts for Follistim last year. I can do this. It's OK. I'm considering it a copay to get healthy and have the baby. She comes right to my home, which is nice and supplies the weights. Tomorrow night, when everything hurts, I'll be sure to post and share my joy. LMAO

Other than that, things have been OK. Work is busy as usual and I am working on a position as a business analyst. Maybe I can get it and get a raise. I also had dental surgery which hurt like hell. If anyone ever offers you an apicalectomy...REFUSE it!! Run like your ass is on fire, cause that hurts!!!

OK, now I gotta go and see if there is any good news with any of you gals. Again, THANK YOU for your concern. I am so thankful to have you lovely ladies in my life.

Toodles,
Mish

Seinfeld post (the post about nothing)

So, the hoopla died down and then started again. I think the chick knows about my IF problems though, because she's been very friendly and does not baby talk with me. Thank Heaven for small favors.

I brought hubby into work today to show him off. One of the girls was like "oooohhh..." I didn't know whether to say Thanks and be happy he was being admired or put my fist through her skull. (I know, anger issues)

In even more personal news, my sex life is non-existent. Since we've been taking a break I guess we're both taking a break from sex? UGH. I'm starting to lose my mind. Doorknobs are starting to look sexy to me. I keep throwing myself at him, but it seems our schedule is off. When he's ready I am soooo not and vice versa. Oh well, hopefully we can meet in the middle one of these days before my hymen growns back. LOL The touch of warm weather we've been having doesn't seem to help either. I get spring fever so badly.

Now here's where I need some help. My brother and I download really old 80's music and send to each other. Who can find the most obscure song. For instance, I recently got Eddie Murphy's "Party all the time" Does anyone remember that? If you can, please post with a song suggestion! I need help to beat my brother!!LOL

Take Care!
Mish

Ten Facts About Me

Thanks for the comments all. It was so hard to deal that day.

In other news, I think my lower half is trying to do something on it's own without meds. (I never get AF without meds.) I've been feeling crampy for a few days and my breasts feel kinda heavy. I'm just dealing though. Not getting excited about the thought of MAYBE becoming "normal", whatever that may be.

I've been keeping to myself at work lately since the "incident." Hoping that all the hoopla will just die down and go away. I truly am happy for the chick, I just want her to be happy at least 100 yards away from me. LOL

So...I did something drastic yesterday. I went for my usual 8 week trim and...I chopped all my hair off!! I usually have long hair that goes way past my bra strap...Now, I cut off at least 4 inches and my hair barely touches my shoulders. I feel so empowered! It was amazing walking out of the salon with less hair. Then I got home and was shell-shocked and started worrying about hubby's reaction. (He LOVES long hair.) Then I thought, eh, fuck him if he cant take a joke and now I can't tear myself away from the mirror. LOL I will post some pics of the before and after as soon as I get up enough gumption to do so.

Maybe it feels nice to just be in control of something. (I've told you before, simple things make me happy) In honor of my recent "empoweredness" (I know that isn't a word!) I've decided to take Ornery's lead and publish some little-known facts about myself.

1. I am Indian, like from India (no, I do not have a "dot" LMAO)- Born in Trinidad which is in the West Indies, But have lived in New York since I was one.

2. I'm 34 years old and have been married since I was 19. This year will be 15 years so I'm feeling the pressure big time of ttc.

3. I spend a lot of time online. So much so that I'm made fun of by others.

4. I only recently became close with my Mom. She was kinda hard to deal with growing up and in my 20's, and I only started to look past her and my Dad's flaws after my dad had a heart attack and I realized. "Shit, when they're gone, they're gone." Luckily, Dad is ok now.

5. I am a creature of habit. I love to drink and smoke and eat. I'm a time bomb waiting to go off. (A quote from internal med doc.) LOL

6. My hubby is not Indian. He is half Spanish and Half Jewish (what a combo) but he looks Irish!

7. I dig the eighties so much that my ipod is filled with obscure songs from Toto, Cindy lauper and Lionel Richie.

8. I once was prescribed an anti-anxiety med that almost made me take my own life. (Apparently, I was not chemically imbalanced and the medicine had an adverse effect.)

9. I'm slightly OCD with numbers. I count everything. Not to the point of being "rainman" but it can become annoying at times.

10. Deep down, I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to stick to this diet and take the meds and exercise and do what it takes to have a baby. I don't want to look back on this time in my life and say "gee, if I had just done..."

So, that is me and my ten facts. Hope you found them interesting!

Have a great week. :)

Mish

I'm evil

I'm blogging from work because we have a "situation."

There is a girl in my office who is five months pregnant with her first. (Good for her really, God bless) BUT right now there is a circle that has formed around her with lot's of questions and "oooh's" and "ahhhhh's" and CUTE!! and UGH!

Why am I so evil? Why am I sitting in my cubicle with my back to everyone ignoring the comotion? Wouldn't I want people to be excited for me? I figured it was better to sit here and ignore than go over and be fake. You know? I hope she has a healthy baby, but I JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! I want to turn around and scream, "Go away!" but I decided instead to type.

I have to completely change my lifestyle and lose my mind daily. Waking up and facing the day has become a struggle for me all to just have one freakin baby and it seems that everyone in the universe can just pop em out like nothing. I'm so angry at myself for being so upset. I'm probably rambling again. I'm a terrible rambler when I get upset.

I better leave before satan and her minion come over and catch me blogging.

Mish