Waiting is agonizing
OK, a little info before I start. I have PCOS (for all you normal peeps, this stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Along with this, I have some kind of weird clotting thing and a weird chromosome thing going on, all of which makes me trying to have a baby the hardest thing in the world. My husband (Tony) and I had IUI which is Intra Uterine Inemination on September 19th. We waited patiently to see a positive result. When I went back for my bloodwork, we were told that my HCG level (pregnancy hormone-0 to 5 is negative) is SIX!!! WTF is that crap? The doctor says it may be late implantation. I say I'm tired... I've been a human pin cushion for almost 3 weeks. Tony has had to inject me with progesterone due to something called a luteal phase defect (apparently this is part of PCOS) You have to see the size of these needles. They're humgous. UGH!!! I have to go back on Tuesday to see if my levels are doubling or if this is another miscarriage. (I've already had 2).
I thought (stupidly) that I wouldn't be upset because this month has been very stressful for me. My dad had to have a pacemaker put in and then developed some sort of clot. (he has the same clotting disorder as me). My sister-in-law got married and I was responsible for paying a portion of her wedding as a gift. Work sucks ass and my supervisor is a psychopath. So basically, I told myself it was fine if this IUI didn't work this month. I was so wrong. I find myself now crying at any and every commercial that includes babies/children. The yearning for a child has become so strong that it is consuming me. I feel like, as a woman, I just am a failure because I can't seem to do the one thing that women DO. Just today at church, I bawled just hearing a song about God and how much he is there to comfort you. Luckily, my parents didn't notice. I haven't told anyone but a few choice people in my life about this (and whoever may read this. lol) because I hate getting everyones hopes up and then crash and burn.
In other news, my friend had a bbq luau today. It was a welcome distraction. Tony and I had a great time. It was definitely nice NOT to think about my possible kinda maybe sorta pregnancy. OK peeps, pray for me - I need it. Thanks!
I thought (stupidly) that I wouldn't be upset because this month has been very stressful for me. My dad had to have a pacemaker put in and then developed some sort of clot. (he has the same clotting disorder as me). My sister-in-law got married and I was responsible for paying a portion of her wedding as a gift. Work sucks ass and my supervisor is a psychopath. So basically, I told myself it was fine if this IUI didn't work this month. I was so wrong. I find myself now crying at any and every commercial that includes babies/children. The yearning for a child has become so strong that it is consuming me. I feel like, as a woman, I just am a failure because I can't seem to do the one thing that women DO. Just today at church, I bawled just hearing a song about God and how much he is there to comfort you. Luckily, my parents didn't notice. I haven't told anyone but a few choice people in my life about this (and whoever may read this. lol) because I hate getting everyones hopes up and then crash and burn.
In other news, my friend had a bbq luau today. It was a welcome distraction. Tony and I had a great time. It was definitely nice NOT to think about my possible kinda maybe sorta pregnancy. OK peeps, pray for me - I need it. Thanks!
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