Fertility, The new "F" word.

The good, the bad and the complex

2006-10-17T23:13:00.000-04:00

UGH. This is my 2nd time typing this!! Damn you Blogger!!

Anyway, moving on...

Last week I was having horrible back pains. I went and saw the RE who told me that I had a giant complex cyst on my left ovary (which I thought was odd because the pain was on my right side.) They did some bloodwork and called me later in the afternoon. The RN told me she had good news and bad news... The bad news is I'm not pg, but the good news is that the cyst is a big ole complex corpus luteum cyst that means... (drumroll please) I ovulated!! Ta-da!! All on my own. I'm a big girl now! LOL I was so proud of my body for O'ing on it's own, I instantly thought back to when I announced to Mom that I got my period and all the neighborhood ladies and my aunts brought me presents and started calling me a "young lady" (The funny part of that story is that the presents were pads. Wrapped pads.) LOL I was mortified but so proud of myself, which is how I felt about that damn cyst and O'ing. The cyst is so large it was radiating to my right side and causing just the worst pain. Ouch! I was told that since I o'd on my own, I would be getting my period on my own too... Ooooh, dare to dream! My progesterone was a good level (11) and had I gotten pg I was told I would have sustained.

I'm not upset, I'm happy. Happy my body did something normal for a change. :)

In other news, Today is my birthday!! Whoo hooo!! I turned 35 today. Any day above ground is a good day, so I can't be upset. My honey got me a day at a spa and 3 dozen long stemmed roses. He wrote in the card "To my future baby's mama, love your future baby's daddy." How cute is that?! I love him so much. We just celebrated our 15th Anniversary. :) I'm so blessed to have such an understanding man.

I was going to post some pics after this of our vacation, but then that's when Blogger kicked me off so I won't risk it. lol

Talk soon!!

It's been longer than I thought!

2006-10-13T01:08:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe how long it's been since my lazy ass came on to post! I'm so proud and happy for my formerly infertile friends who are soon to become mommies! (I say proud because after a while when one succeeds, its like we all helped!)

Not much is going on with me. I just finished a eound of Clomid and am in my 2ww period. As we all know, it's just hellish. I had taken the summer off because I was having some kind of medical problem (as usual) and I had to focus on that for a bit. Happily, all was well and so we started TTC again in September. :) I went back to basics and tried Clomid again. I felt like maybe we were pushing my body too hard with the injections because I kept being hyper stimulated. I had a giant juicy follie and went on vay-kay with that. I never saw the LH surge, but I was feel ICK! I felt like my actualy unterus and ovaries were sore...Anyone ever get that? Anyway, I'm ASSuming I did O because it just hurt so bad.

Went to the docs today for some really bad sciatica-like back pain thats been bothering me. I noticed I've been sleeping an awful lot and my breasts feel heavier than normal. Trying not to get our hopes up as we've been down that road before. Tomorrow having rouint bloodwork for my back pain and Doc threw in a QHCG.

Well, regardless of my results tomorrow, I have to say it's ok...Because I have hope in all of you ladies that are expecting!! You have given me hope and I thank you for that.

Until tomorrow....

Mish

Update

2006-06-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

Back again, with good news. I had the biopsy done on 6/7 and guess what? It turns out I have a normal uterus. lol. When the doc called me to let me know (only after 14 days when I called him) I was like "Thanks Dick!" Of course I didn't actually say it, but I thought it, really hard!! LOL

We have decided to let this cycle just be and then jump back in next month. I'm excited, but apprehensive. I know it's going o be a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally, but u gotta do what u gotta do right?

I've had two family members in the past month offer me their uterus' (would it be uteri?) in case my luck is crappy. Though I was thankful (I swear God I am!) I still feel it might be too soon to start leaning that way just yet. Maybe I'm just avoiding the inevitable, but it really is important to me to FEEL the baby inside of me. I know it's going to sound silly, but I just (ha!) want to create life.

I was doing quite well with the personal trainer and then I missed three weeks in a row due to illness. Legitimate illness. I had some killer viral sinus thing. She called me and withdrew as my trainer. Said I wasn't being "consistent." I really hate that chick right now. I feel like she let me down....but I also feel like "fuck her" I don't need her. I can do this on my own. After belly shots and progesterone shots with the giant pen sized needle, do I really need this 95lb twit to teach me how to walk? Dammit, I am woman, hear me roar!!!

Other than that stuff, work is stressing me hard. Even typing "work" made my blood pressure shoot up by 30. I guess I had better start working on leaving work there and prioritizing.

So here I am, with AF brought to you by Provera. I'm just living right now, and passing time until next cycle. I can't really complain about anything major, and I'm thankful. In the meantime until next month I will concentrate on getting med records and clearances before the next trial. (scratch trial...until I GET PREGNANT) I've been around and lurking on everyone's blogs, but I was in such a dark place that I couldn't leave any encouragement for you ladies. Believe me, you have all been in my prayers. I m thankful for and appreciate ALL emails and comments. You guys helped me through a pretty dark time.

Suppose that's it for now...I'm sure my next post will include a hangover story... lol I plan on going out for this holoday weekend and really having a great time. (having a great time=DRINKINGGGGG) LOL

Talk soon!
Mish

Bittersweet Spring

2006-05-27T12:47:00.000-04:00

****Warning...This post may be erratic and all over the place****

What is it about Spring that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life? I was driving this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of someone cutting their grass. I swear it was like I was high. I opened all the windows and breathed that smell in as if it was the last I would ever have. I sailed on that "high" until I started to remember the crappy existence that I'm having now. I know they (whoever "they" are) say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing that limit now. Somethings gotta give soon. I've tried the 'positive-thinking, grin and bear it, pretend it doesn't exist, smile and the world smiles with you' way of thinking, but now...I'm just tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

For anyone that doesn't know, I am a claims examiner for an Insurance company. Yesterday, I processed an inpatient claim for a 32 year old woman who has NINE children. Yes, you read that correctly. NINE. From ages 4-16. When I tell you about the anger/jealousy/rage that overtook me...I cannot even describe it here for fear that everyone will think what a horrible person I am. I don't even need to say any more about that. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from.

I started having that pinkish bleeding/spotting again. Of course, everyone knows what a horror show google can be. I googled it and now am convinced that I have uterine cancer. *sigh* I have my biopsy coming up on 6/7, and am skeered shitless. I want to think everything is ok, but this is terrifying. Why can't my body function like a normal womans? I mean, I can deal with infertility - but I don't even get periods without help. And it's my lack of periods, hypertension and diabetes that make me a prime candidate for bad stuff down there. I find myself scowling at commercials for tampons and pads. Praying for a day that my body works like normal.

Yesterday I threw my remote (and missed, thankfully) at my TV that was insensitively showing me a commercial for Johnsons Baby Wash and mocking me as it said "Everything changes when you have a baby." No really? Thanks for the news flash fuckhead. I started writing a scathing letter to Johnson's, then got tired of typing and bawling. I turned the PC off and went to sleep crying.

Am I going through something? Why do I feel so freaking bipolar all of a sudden? Is it Spring? Is it the thought of more testing? Is it work that is paying me close to nothing to do everything? I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but then the logical side of my brain kicks in and tells me that I don't want to destroy my liver, cause then I'm fucked.

Does depression make you think that you're gonna die and give you dark thoughts? Because that is the zipper that has been running back and forth in my head. That the biospy will be bad and I have the "C" word. Whenever I am happy or having a good time, a little dark thought will creep in and zap me. My storage facility of positive thinking is depleted. I truly have sunk low. It's embarassing to come unraveled like this. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. What the hell is going on?!

God grant me the Serenity....

Friends, Family,Fertility & Stuff

2006-05-22T06:34:00.000-04:00

Hi again all. I want to first thank each and every person who either left a comment or took the time to send me an email to check on me. Especially Jenny... Who it seems is going through her own problems and still took the time to email me. Thank you hun!

Friends - *sigh* Yet another "fight" with my best friend. I suppose familiarity breeds comtempt, but honestly. I wont bore you with the details of what happened because truthfully, I'm not sure myself. My BF has a good heart. A really good one. However, her good heart sometimes gives her the impression that she does no wrong, which we all know is bullshit. One of our other friends is having health issues. My BF takes the time to tell ME about this chicks health when I'm going through my own new shit. (see Fertility) We haven't spoken well to each other in weeks and last night I called her on it. Then I hung up on her, which I KNOW is childish, but it's not above her either. I love her, but it's so hard to be her friend. (p.s. I know it's not easy to be mine either, but I've always been who I am...never anyone else.) Also, when I talk to her about my personal trainer, she pretends to be enthusiastic... at least that is the vibe I get from her.

Family - My mother drives me insane at times. Now is no different. My brother is getting married in Nov/07. She's already a lunatic. She yells at me for not spending time with her or doing things, but then turns down every invitation I put out there. Yesterday, my brother snapped at her...I came to her defense and she shot ME down! Imagine that. Even hubby shook his head when that happened.

Fertility - Apparently now the Docs think I have hyperplasia?! WTF. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus. So not looking forward to that. They wanted to do a D&C, but I nixed that and chose the less invasive approach. First I will have the biopsy (remember how much I love waiting for results) then take Provera to bring on a period then a sono. My fertility treatment is currently on hold pending those results. My biopsy is scheduled for 6/7. Wish me luck. I'm just so ready to get started again. These road blocks are killing me.

Stuff- OK, for some good and lighter news. I planted yesterday!! I will take pictures and post them of my little garden. I cant wait for everything to bloom. Any sign of life for me is a good one.

My personal trainer is working out so well. It is the best 40 bucks I spend every week. I believe I'm down 15 lbs now. I've never felt more sure of a weight loss plan before. I'm extremely proud of myself here. I've never stuck to anythng for quite so long before.

Well. That's it for now. Thanks ladies for listening. It means a lot.

Mish

Another One

2006-05-14T03:16:00.000-04:00

I've been depressed for weeks, and just figured out it's because of Mother's Day. I cannot believe I am 34 years old and another Mother's Day is here and I am still childless. I can't even begin to explain, nor would I have to because anyone who reads this feels my pain.

I saw the new RE. Nice guy, kind of a dork. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus because my lining is so thick. I can't even comment or freak about this, that is how depressed I am. Other than needing clearance from several docs, I will be starting a new cycle soon. He seems optimistic, but so was I at one point. The feeling is gone.

My new personal trainer, (aka Atilla) is working out fine. I lost 11 pounds in two weeks. I can't even be excited about this, because I feel like "too little, too late."

Anyway, that's my update. My friends as usual are petty and unsupportive so I really need some help girls. I'm sinking into a deep dark place and I don't know how to get out of here.

Michelle

I'm baaaaaaccckkkk

2006-04-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

Evening all. I didn't realize how long it was since I posted until I started getting threatening emails. LOL Thank you all for your concern. It really touched me. I swear.

Not much has been going on with me. I finally saw the Endocrinologist and he was a giant sack of "waste my time." I put off my IF treatments and waited an additional month...when I went to see him I asked him if he could help me with my fertility and he flat out said "NO." I was like well geez, thanks for nothing dill-weed. I then asked if he had a reproductive endcinologist that he worked closely with and again was met with a big fat no. Gawd, I hate Doctors. They really make me ill. Tony and I made an appointment with another RE. I need to see someone else, some fresh blood. I'm tired of not having a child. I've been away for a bit because I've just been so damn depressed about it. I didn't want to bum everyone out, especially when quite a few of you gals have hot leads. (still crossing my fingers for you!)

May 8th is my new RE appointment. This place looks promising. They actually offer massage and acupuncture as part of the treatment to help relax (ack! not RELAX?!) while undergoing the treatments.

I had a ton of (dun dun duuuuuuuun) bloodwork done with the useless endo. He told me I have a classic case of Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome. Wow dude. Thanks for telling me something I didn't know. Seriously. The goatee I continually have to wax off hadn't clued me in. The lack of AF wasn't a clue either. You went to Medical school didn't you? I can tell!

Needless to say my break from you all hasn't cured my anger issues.

I hate to dump this all on yas, but here I go again. I am so tired of not doing the one thing that makes a woman, well.. a woman. It's getting so old. ANOTHER girl at work (OMG Whoopsie!) is pregnant. And she wasn't even trying!! Imagine that! What a happy little surprise. I was like "awww!" and inside I was plotting ways to murder her and get away with it, or at least make it look like an accident. LOL (kidding!)

I finally broke down and hired a personal trainer. She is costing me $40 per hour. We start out with stretching, abdominals, muscles and then yoga to cool off. Tomorrow is my first day. I sure hope she doesn't piss me off. I'd hate to be blogging from jail. At first I was worried about the money that it is costing me, then I looked at my receipts for Follistim last year. I can do this. It's OK. I'm considering it a copay to get healthy and have the baby. She comes right to my home, which is nice and supplies the weights. Tomorrow night, when everything hurts, I'll be sure to post and share my joy. LMAO

Other than that, things have been OK. Work is busy as usual and I am working on a position as a business analyst. Maybe I can get it and get a raise. I also had dental surgery which hurt like hell. If anyone ever offers you an apicalectomy...REFUSE it!! Run like your ass is on fire, cause that hurts!!!

OK, now I gotta go and see if there is any good news with any of you gals. Again, THANK YOU for your concern. I am so thankful to have you lovely ladies in my life.

Toodles,
Mish

Seinfeld post (the post about nothing)

2006-03-29T00:11:00.000-05:00

So, the hoopla died down and then started again. I think the chick knows about my IF problems though, because she's been very friendly and does not baby talk with me. Thank Heaven for small favors.

I brought hubby into work today to show him off. One of the girls was like "oooohhh..." I didn't know whether to say Thanks and be happy he was being admired or put my fist through her skull. (I know, anger issues)

In even more personal news, my sex life is non-existent. Since we've been taking a break I guess we're both taking a break from sex? UGH. I'm starting to lose my mind. Doorknobs are starting to look sexy to me. I keep throwing myself at him, but it seems our schedule is off. When he's ready I am soooo not and vice versa. Oh well, hopefully we can meet in the middle one of these days before my hymen growns back. LOL The touch of warm weather we've been having doesn't seem to help either. I get spring fever so badly.

Now here's where I need some help. My brother and I download really old 80's music and send to each other. Who can find the most obscure song. For instance, I recently got Eddie Murphy's "Party all the time" Does anyone remember that? If you can, please post with a song suggestion! I need help to beat my brother!!LOL

Take Care!
Mish

Ten Facts About Me

2006-03-27T00:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the comments all. It was so hard to deal that day.

In other news, I think my lower half is trying to do something on it's own without meds. (I never get AF without meds.) I've been feeling crampy for a few days and my breasts feel kinda heavy. I'm just dealing though. Not getting excited about the thought of MAYBE becoming "normal", whatever that may be.

I've been keeping to myself at work lately since the "incident." Hoping that all the hoopla will just die down and go away. I truly am happy for the chick, I just want her to be happy at least 100 yards away from me. LOL

So...I did something drastic yesterday. I went for my usual 8 week trim and...I chopped all my hair off!! I usually have long hair that goes way past my bra strap...Now, I cut off at least 4 inches and my hair barely touches my shoulders. I feel so empowered! It was amazing walking out of the salon with less hair. Then I got home and was shell-shocked and started worrying about hubby's reaction. (He LOVES long hair.) Then I thought, eh, fuck him if he cant take a joke and now I can't tear myself away from the mirror. LOL I will post some pics of the before and after as soon as I get up enough gumption to do so.

Maybe it feels nice to just be in control of something. (I've told you before, simple things make me happy) In honor of my recent "empoweredness" (I know that isn't a word!) I've decided to take Ornery's lead and publish some little-known facts about myself.

1. I am Indian, like from India (no, I do not have a "dot" LMAO)- Born in Trinidad which is in the West Indies, But have lived in New York since I was one.

2. I'm 34 years old and have been married since I was 19. This year will be 15 years so I'm feeling the pressure big time of ttc.

3. I spend a lot of time online. So much so that I'm made fun of by others.

4. I only recently became close with my Mom. She was kinda hard to deal with growing up and in my 20's, and I only started to look past her and my Dad's flaws after my dad had a heart attack and I realized. "Shit, when they're gone, they're gone." Luckily, Dad is ok now.

5. I am a creature of habit. I love to drink and smoke and eat. I'm a time bomb waiting to go off. (A quote from internal med doc.) LOL

6. My hubby is not Indian. He is half Spanish and Half Jewish (what a combo) but he looks Irish!

7. I dig the eighties so much that my ipod is filled with obscure songs from Toto, Cindy lauper and Lionel Richie.

8. I once was prescribed an anti-anxiety med that almost made me take my own life. (Apparently, I was not chemically imbalanced and the medicine had an adverse effect.)

9. I'm slightly OCD with numbers. I count everything. Not to the point of being "rainman" but it can become annoying at times.

10. Deep down, I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to stick to this diet and take the meds and exercise and do what it takes to have a baby. I don't want to look back on this time in my life and say "gee, if I had just done..."

So, that is me and my ten facts. Hope you found them interesting!

Have a great week. :)

Mish

I'm evil

2006-03-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging from work because we have a "situation."

There is a girl in my office who is five months pregnant with her first. (Good for her really, God bless) BUT right now there is a circle that has formed around her with lot's of questions and "oooh's" and "ahhhhh's" and CUTE!! and UGH!

Why am I so evil? Why am I sitting in my cubicle with my back to everyone ignoring the comotion? Wouldn't I want people to be excited for me? I figured it was better to sit here and ignore than go over and be fake. You know? I hope she has a healthy baby, but I JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! I want to turn around and scream, "Go away!" but I decided instead to type.

I have to completely change my lifestyle and lose my mind daily. Waking up and facing the day has become a struggle for me all to just have one freakin baby and it seems that everyone in the universe can just pop em out like nothing. I'm so angry at myself for being so upset. I'm probably rambling again. I'm a terrible rambler when I get upset.

I better leave before satan and her minion come over and catch me blogging.

Mish

First Day of Spring

2006-03-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of spring! Hooray! Of course, to celebrate it was bitter cold and very windy. Today is also the spring solstice which I believe is the longest day of the year. I usually "celebrate " by making a change in my home. (odd, i know!) Today I went with my Mom and bought new curtains for the bow window in my kitchen. It looks so pretty! (Doesn't take much to make me happy.) LOL

I also started my first day of dieting. I haven't had one sip of diet soda and believe me I felt it. I looked like some kind of crack addict walking by the soda case at lunchtime. My friends asked "Mish, are you ok?!" I just kind of nodded as I couldn't speak because I swear my mouth turned to cotton and I had this crazy heartbeat that spoke to me. It pounded in my ears.. "Diet Pepsi...Diet Pepsi." Now, it could of been condensation, but as I walked away from the case, I could have sworn one of the bottles shed a very small tear.... I am a soda addict in the worse way (as if you couldn't tell!) LOL

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. I had a good breakfast a salad for lunch and then a normal dinner. I'm not starving myself. What I am doing is checking blood sugar levels after each meal. If they come up too high, then I analyze what I ate and adjust accordingly. For instance, this morning I had half of a buttered roll. My blood sugar was a whopping 207! Tomorrow, I will try whole wheat toast and see what kind of difference it makes.

This eating plan really sucks ass. And on top of this I'm supposed to quit smoking too?! Why don't I just shove a broomstick up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm walking as well! I'm being dramatic I know. Hopefully tomorrow will be a tad easier and then the day after that...and the day after that. I have to keep reminding myself that the end justifies the means.

I am the little engine that could:

"I think I can, I think I can."

Primetime

2006-03-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching television with hubby when my g/f called and said "put on channel 7!" This was not an odd request because we tend to watch a lot of television together. For those who are not familair, Primetime is a news show with various different stories. The story that we were watching was about how people will lose more weight when there is shame involved. The story is that they took these five very overweight people and took pictures of them in bikinis. They then gave them each 8 weeks to lose 15 lbs or else they would show the bikini pics on national television. I has two thoughts at this point:

1. OMG, what a great idea!
2. OMG, what a terrible idea!

LOL. I know, I'm schizo sometimes. The end result is I thought it was a great idea. I'll let you read the story to find out if they lost or not, but I started to wonder if that could actually work if I did it to myself. What if I took a bikini pic and threatened myself to post it? It couldn't actually work, because how would anyone really know if I had lost the weight. I wish I could find some people to try this with using some other form of public humiliation.

I know it may seem like I am taking this too far with the whole public humiliation thing, but it seems like (for me) it would be the jump start I need. Eh, I guess I'll find another way, but the whole human experiment aspect was very interesting for me.

In other news, T (hubby) seems to be slacking in the super sweet husband department now that we are taking a break. For some background, since we got married I've been kind of neurotic about my house and cleaning and such. Since we've been ttc, I slacked. Plain and simple. Sometimes the dishes sit there for days while I try to muster up energy after being poked and prodded and working a full day.

Well, the other morning, I woke up earlier than usual and walked into my kitchen to make my customary cup of green tea. I stepped on something and was so repulsed by how my home looked, I started to clean. Boy did I ever clean my house. By the time T woke up I had cleaned the house, packed lunches and was playing a game of Texas Hold Em on the computer sipping my green tea looking very much like Super-Wife.

Do you know what he said? Instead of great job babe! or Nice! He said "Cool, I'm glad to see you're getting back to your old self." I was really mad! Does cleaning and cooking make me a good wife? Doesn't getting blood drawn every third day and having an ultrasound wand shoved up my cooter along with appointment after appointment AND working a full time job make me a good wife? Maybe I'm being too sensitive? I don't know. I just know it pissed me off. I swear to you, when we are cycling he is Prince Charming, but now that we've stopped I feel like I have to prove myself in other ways as well. As I sit here typing this, I'm thinking... "Gee maybe I should just stay up and clean so he's proud of me. I know. Issues.

A good kind of boring

2006-03-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhh... Finally. No tests to go to (for now.) I get a break! It feels good to get back to a time where the dishes in my sink are my biggest problem. I made an appointment for the endocrinologist. The next appointment they have is not until next month, so T and I decided instead of ttc this month, we are going to wait and get a full work up from the endo. This took a lot of self control, lemme tell ya. Though I suppose it is better to wait another month or two and get the full work up, find out if I really do have diabetes and fix it instead of filling my body with drugs, yell at everyone I care about and be an emotional wasteland for 30 days to find another BFN. Self control is a bitch. (I've developed such a potty mouth! Sorry)

Work is ok I guess. My mgr and supervisor or as I like to refer to them (satan and his minion) are out of the office for this week. It's like a dream come true. I'm managing to get my work done without being micromanaged. Imagine that! LOL

I've been shopping for treadmills and gyms. In fact, I need to find a personal trainer too. Dammit, I'm having this baby and I'm gonna lose enough weight that I'll be one hot hoochie too. (Perhaps it's just too late and I'm delusional) I really want to change. It's burning inside of me. But I also realize I need help. Big time. I'll get the help and lose the weight. Then I'll wow you all with fantabulous before and after photos like you see on TV. (trimspa baby!) Kidding, no weight loss pills are passing through these lips.

It was so nice here (Long Island, NY) and now all of a suden it's winter again!! Booooooooo I was getting used to the sunshine on my face. It was filling me with hope. Come back sun... I need you.

Well, it's obvious I'm rambling so I'll head out before I embarass myself further. Good Night...and Good Luck.

Mish

Finally, a theory!

2006-03-10T00:30:00.000-05:00

Went for bloodwork results today. Actually, the docs office called and asked me to come in due to some "abnormal." You should have seen my face when the cell rang and Docs number showed up. So, I went, but called T to come home early and come with me.

Doc came in the room looking very somber and said the obvious. That my white cells were up again, 14.8. This did not surprise me, but then he told me my fasting glucose was 159 and that isn't good. After a lot of yada yadas and blah blahs, he finally introduced a theory. He seems to think that I have full blown diabetes and that is what's causing me to miscarry. At first I thought, "what an ass" but then I really started to think about it. I started ttc about the same time I was diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" and haven't been able to carry. He feels that the diabetes is causing infection inside of me thus raising my wbc. Makes sense I think. My blood sugar really has never been totally regulated, but I've been really blaming it on my PCOS and inability to properly process insulin. He told me to start thinking about insulin, that it may be the only way to conceive and carry a baby to full term. (just typing that gives me goosebumps...imagine he is right?!)

I would shoot my ass full of bumblebees if it meant I could have a healthy baby.

I'm off to see an endocrinologist and nutritionist as I am extremely overweight and hopefully these are the steps to making my dream (our dream) come true. Though I am not thrilled about the idea of insulin, I will do what it takes. I will start a healthy eating plan again and finally join the dang gym I've been meaning to. I'm 34 years old. The time is now. The hardest part of his advice was to quit smoking immediately which isn't working well as I am smoking as I'm typing. This weekend I'll do some research on ways to quit. If anyone has advice on that, I'm open!

I'm glad these past two weeks of agony and tests and waiting are over. I have some answers, but also new questions. I'm optimistic and almost looking forward to seeing the endocrinologist. Perhaps they will shed some light on my situation and make me healthier at the same time. It's time to start treating my body like the temple that it is and stop bitching and moaning. Good Luck to me!

Mish

Survey Says...

2006-03-07T23:36:00.000-05:00

Negative. My mammo was negative!!!!!!!! The lump in my armpit turned out to be (ugh) a blackhead under my skin. Can you guys believe that? I lost sleep over a blackhead. I was in shock and awe (lol) when the Radiologist announced it. That being said, hats off to the radiology clinic for having the mammo suite. Since this was my first, I am not yet used to these things. I was ushered into the warmest room complete with candles, confectionaries and soft radio playing in the background. I guess a lot of nervous women walk in there, so kudos for them trying to keep us sane. I was thoroughly impressed, more so than even the RE's office. Great Job guys!

Secondly, yesterday I went in to my doc for a routine EKG (I know, what the hell is routine about that?!) because on top of my other assorted medical problems, I have high blood pressure. Well, Doctor Primary told me it was abnormal and I had to 1. have a ton of bloodwork done (we all know how I feel about bloodwork) and 2. See a cardiologist asap. I was so disturbed by that I couldn't even blog about it to tell everyone. I was like "Are you fucking kidding me?" He wasn't. So, on top of my mammo and sono, I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and have 4 tubes of blood drawn. Then go have the mmao and sono and then follow that with a Cardiologist visit. The vampire at the blood drawing center found a vein without a problem, which was good cause I was in such a bad mood over this blood in the first place, I would have stabbed her in the neck with the needle had she missed it. (kidding!) The Cardiologist said my bp was normal and to come back for a stress test which I scheduled for May. (I need time to work out to run on that treadmill! LOL)

Out of the four things I did today, three were ok. Now I am waiting on blood results. Trying not to freak, because of Obi-Wan and his wisdom. I am guessing if something was SEVERELY wrong they would have called today with abnormals. (crossing fingers) Will keep all posted on blood test results.

I really am making headway in this non-worrying department. I'm trying and also, I'm just giving things to God. I'm ashamed to say that I normally don't just "give" things to God, I try to sort them out myself and make my way on my own. This past week, I just finally gave in and said "OK God, this is yours. I'm giving this to you because I just can't take it anymore" Well, the big guy came through big time.

I feel like this speed bump on the road of my life is making me stronger. All of a sudden, Follistim isn't so scary and the Progesterone needles don't seem that big. I have renewed hope and a lot more courage. I'm starting to believe again that maybe (just maybe) I will have that baby after all.

Smooches,
Mish

Everything I needed to know, I learned from Star Wars

2006-03-05T23:20:00.000-05:00

So. I know this is going to sound very gay and/or hormonal (I swear I'm not taking anything!) but today I was watching Star Wars, Return of the Sith. (aka, part three) At first, I was just watching cause T (hubby) wanted to, and it was kind of cool to finally see the conclusion. Then there was a scene where someone said "Fear of Loss is the path to the Darkside"

Now, I don't know why, but it just stuck with me and struck a chord inside of me. I've been so afraid of everything lately that it's killing me. First, to give some background story a couple of years ago I was diagnosed as having an elevated WBC count. The # is never super high, just a tad above normal. For instance, normal is like 4.0-11.0. Mine is usually between 12-14 at any given time. My Docs sent me through hell that year. I saw any and every Doc known to man, including my least favorite, the hematologist. He tested me for Leukemia and ever since then, I have been so terrified of blood tests and Docs and sonos that it shakes me to my core. (I can share this fear with you guys now that I am getting to know you all more personally. )

Turns out, (THANK YOU GOD) I do not have the "L" word, but my elevated count is also still unknown. They have titled it "reactive leukocytosis". Now, every time the docs send me for even routine tests, I blow a gasket. I literally shake as the tests are being done. I know I will shake on Tuesday for my breast sono and mammo. I'm not looking forward to this. I become irrational (this is very hard for me to admit) and start to semi-freak. T says I just worry, but after all the bloodwork they have found Factor V Leiden which is some clotting thing, some other mutated gene (do I get an X-men superwoman name now?) and thalassemia, which causes anemia. I get so scared because every time I go somewhere they find something else.

Way too long story even longer - I was starting to get a little scared again for Tuesday and then I sat down to watch this movie. "Fear of loss is the path to the darkside" He's right. Damn you Obi-Wan for reading my soul! LOL I'm scared, but I will be ok. Maybe I took this line and molded it to help me but I don't care. I feel a little better.

May the force be with you.

Mish

Hmmmmm

2006-03-02T23:44:00.000-05:00

You ever get the feeling you're being watched? I do...I think my friends found my blog. Is there no privacy?! AGGGHHHH!! Well, all I can say is this isn't for them to read, as I don't read THEIR diaries, so if they've stumbled upon it and saw something they didn't like, then too dang bad. This is my blog, not theirs. I hate stupid people.

Nothing else much to report today. We had about 5 inches of snow and the roads were ick. People get retarded driving in the snow and nothing annoys me more than 4 wheel drives and SUV's that think they have carte blanche in the snow!! Hello people, you're vehicle has a rollbar BUILT in for a reason dumbass!! You are not exempt from slipping and sliding like everyone else. Shit, I'm probably better off, cause I'm closer to the ground. LOL If something should go wrong, I don't have that far to fall. :)

I'm feeling better cold wise. I was so worked up over my upcoming mammo, I didn't even realize that in the interim, my cold went away. Sheesh. Enough of me and my boring self. I'm gonna go to bed early and get a good nights sleep. I'm pooped!

Mish

Blown away

2006-03-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

I am and probably will continue to be for a very long time, completely blown away by the love that I feel from everyone. Thank you for your comments and well wishes. I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time from my old time friends. I think I have finally found a place where I can say and feel whatever the heck I want without facing repercussions from judgmental and non-understanding people. For this I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been stopping by and letting me know that someone cares.

I told my two best friends what I was going through with the mammo. One of them as per usual was understanding but as soon as I told her we went right back to the "My life as a mom" conversation. It's cool, because that's her thing, but it's just so not my thing right now. I think we need a middle ground, a common place to meet. Of course I care and all that jazz (Really, I do!) But sometimes how you dress your daughter up like a dolly is just not where I need to be and what I need to hear. (don't get me wrong, I love them) See? Already I feel guilty. My other friend listened. Made no comment and then moved on. We haven't breathed a word about it since. (This is the same girl who told me I was a bad friend because I wasn't there for her) Hilarious, I know.

My mental state is ok. My Pastor says we are to leave it to God and walk away, and I am trying to do that. I'm trying to not panic or freak. Besides, once this is over I'll have much bigger fish to fry. I have a baby (or two! LOL) to make.

Long story longer... Thank you again everyone. Your caring has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Hugs and baby dust to us all ladies!

Mish

I called

2006-03-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

Nothing to report out of the ordinary today. After hubby called and nagged me, I made the mammo appointment. They put me in as an emergency (gee thanks) and it is for next Tuesday the 7th. I'm sure it will be fine. Shit, if I start losing hope now I'm doomed! LOL I wouldn't mind a couple of prayers if anyone has the time... :) I want this to be done and over with so I can get started on the next cycle. (Can you believe I actually am looking forward to it? Who am I?!)

Talk soon,
Mish

So I lied.

2006-02-27T21:37:00.000-05:00

I Lied. Yesterday, when I said I was OK with any testing that was necessary for the lump thingee in my armpit. I was lying, I just didn't KNOW I was lying. I went today for the pap. Doctor pokey very nice as usual. "blah blah, healthy cervix, yada yada" I said (tentatively) "There is something under my arm I want you to feel" He seemed fine and asked me to point it out. I couldn't find it so he went digging himeself. "Oh there it is! Pea sized..." And that, my friends is when I knew I was lying. I broke out into this sweat. This very calm and controlled panic started to overtake me. When he sat down and opened his handy-dandy notebook and I saw him start to write "mammogram" I think my heart stopped for a quick minute. He said "oh it could be anything, but this IS Long Island so we better get it checked out". I know I nodded and my mouth was open which he must have taken as a sign of acceptance so he kept talking. "Besides, you're going to be 35 this year, so I would have gotten a baseline mammogram(WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THAT?) anyway at the end of the year when I turn 35.

At this point, I regained my vocal skills and asked (quietly) "Should I be worried?" His response was "no, don't worry - but it's better to get these things checked out".

So, here I am about to start googling the hell outta breast cancer and panicking. My throat is dry and all I can think is "If I have breast cancer, now I'll never have kids." That goes to show you how twisted we intertility gals are. I'm dazed and confused and (I know, rambling) More than anything I'm scared. No. I'm terrified.

Tomorrow, I'll make the appointment and then try to regain composure. (Breathe Mish...in thru the nose...out thru the mouth)

Mish

PMS?

2006-02-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

I am a bitch. Seriously. I was such a bitch today to my honey that I thought he was going to strangle me. LOL I THINK this may be PMS? It's so hard seeing as I never get AF and my cycles are so weird. All I know is it better be something or hubby is gonna kill me soon! lol

Didn't do much today except shop. I bought some well-deserved and needed items. (black dress pants, shoes, etc.) Now I can get rid of those dang highwater dress pants I've been wearing.

Starting to feel a tad better. Tomorrow is my yearly pap that's overdue. Time to hear those words we women just adore... "slide down please...ok a little more...just a little more...now, let your knees fall apart" LMAO As I'm typing this I realize it sounds like the words hubby used to say when we first started dating. (I'm laughing as I type this!) I also am in dire need of a breast exam since breast cancer is the highest on Long Island! I found this teeny tiny lump in the fat part of my armpit, so I'll point that out as well. It is terrifying, but I'd rather just show him and deal with tests than to become another Long Island statistic.

I need happier news now. That was freakin' depressing! I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. When I was a file clerk in a Doctors office just starting out my career, I used to dream of a job like the one I have now. Strange huh? I used to wish for a cubicle and the "work sweater". (You know, the ratty old sweater you keep on the back of your chair because the building temperature is never right) So, now I have that job. I have a really good job. I'm grateful! God, thank you. It's so amazing for me to see how far I've come career-wise. I started out as a file clerk, then worked front desj, then front desk supervisor, starting doing the Docs transcription, then Surgical Scheduler, Medical Biller, Claims Examiner and now here I am at Claims Adjuster. I applied for a position in the QA department at my job. Now I understand why Mom and Dad were so tired coming home from their real jobs. It's not that easy! My friends, probably with the exception of Diana have no clue what I do really. Sad I know. Anyway, I'm not "going there" tonight about my friends. What I would like is for everyone to say a little prayer for my friends Dad who is having a procedure done tomorrow...and for another friend of a friend who recently passed from cancer. The world goes round and round. Better hang on people.

I'm feeling way to melancholy. New subject! I've been looking for add ons for my blog. I was inspired by Jenny (see link to the right). Her blog is so cool! So if anyone knows where to find these add ons and how to work them, let me know! :) I spose thats it for now. Have a great week!

Smooches,
Mish

Getting better I think

2006-02-25T23:21:00.000-05:00

Starting to feel a little better. The phlegm (I know, eeew) is just making me cough and keeping me up at night. UGH!!

Today I did a lot of running around. I took a lot of steps to fight this whole identity theft thing so hopefully all these steps will start clearing up the issues.

My friends invited me to a movie...an hour before I needed to be ready. LOL At least they asked right? Truthfully, if I wasn't still all stuffly, I would have gone. (though it seems a tad brisk outside!)

Right now I am sipping black tea with lemon and honey hoping that these tried and true cures really do work. Monday is my annual pap... (I'm overdue!!) so I'm not looking forward to that. It's been like 2 years since my last one. I know, I should know better. It just seems like with all the people that see me nekkid and probe me south of the border that things should be ok. LOL Better safe than sorry I guess.

I can't wait for this cold to go poof cause I was doing so well on an eating plan.. (I'm in diet denial, it's an "eating plan") But right now, since I've been feeling so rotten I've been wanting (and getting) all comfort foods. I hope to God to be thin one of these days. I relly have a lot of potential. I hear all the time "but you have such a pretty face". That makes my blood boil over. I want to be like "WTF is THAT supposed to mean?!" Of course, I usually say nothing and smile and do the whole polite thing. When people have been pissing me off lately, I've been inclined to say "This is SO going in the blog!" No one seems that scared though. LOL Ah well, I can try to scare them. I am gonna go googling and see what kinds of neat things I can incorporate into my blog...I may be back!

Smooches,
Mish

I'm sick!

2006-02-24T17:37:00.000-05:00

Ugh..I need the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, aching stuffy head fever so I can rest medicine. I hate colds!! OK, not a huge problem, but I've been sick. I went to the Docs today after 3 days of fighting. Upper respiratory infection, hooray! LOL I got the dreaded poop and vomit at the same time medicine (Amoxicillan) so, this should be an interesting weekend. LMAO

Other news...Since I'm PCO, I normally do not get my period without the help of Mr. Provera, but the way my body feels and the way my hair is greasing up makes me swear I'm getting it! Imagine that? Of course now that I've vocalized it, it won't happen. Nothing else much to report. Work is busy as hell now that I've taken two days off. You wouldn't believe how many claims come across my desk. *sigh* so many sick people.

The ATM thief is still at large. Bastard. I hope your penis falls off...no, that's too Lorena Bobbit of me. I hope it stops working. There! Now we both have parts that won't work right. Sheesh, I'm evil today huh? I've gotta go get ready for my weekly Poker game. Time to show the boys that a woman can play. ;) Talk soon.

Mish

Presidents day

2006-02-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am such a bum!! LOL I did nothing today except write a few letters that needed to be written and clean a little. Oh, I also cooked dinner! Whoo hoo, go me.

I'm enjoying the last few days of my month off from TTC. It has been such a pleasure not to have mood swings or just feel rotten for no reason. It has however, given me new strength to face yet another month. I know it could be worse, I could have no chance whatsoever. *sigh* Somehow, it only takes me so far.

Anyhoo, after my mini nervous breakdown yesterday regarding my friends, I started looking throigh some other blogs. I found out that I am NOT alone!! Other women in my situation are going through the same thing with their friends. For a while I was starting to believe the hype, you know? I was starting to think that maybe it really was me that was the terrible friend. I found this great blog by a woman who wrote this post about how to be friends to an infertile. I read it crying it was THAT good. Here is the link:

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

I actually emailed this to 2 of my closest friends. We will see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I know that I took a positive step in trying to salvage our friendships.

So, back to work tomorrow. I can't believe my three day weekend went so fast! Now no more days until (gasp) Memorial Day! Eeeeeeek!! How will I manage? I bet there will be some HCG and Follistim needles out there to keep my mind off of it. LOL

Tomorrow,
Mish

Update 2/19/06

2006-02-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

So, the hysterosalpingogram was fine. My tubes are open and I have a small fibroid. Apparently, it isn't anything to worry about.

What I really need to vent about are my friends. I really am so sick and tired of the non-understanding I get from them. One of my friends is broke, I mean really broke so I gave her some advice, which apparently she resented. My advice was to stay home and not spend any money. WHOA! What a terrible friend I am huh? Well, go F yourself, honestly. This is the same person I give food to and money when I am able. I swear to you I wasn't looking for an "atta boy" or anything even close. I just wanted to help her through her time of need. Also, because I have dedicated most of my time to trying to get pregnant and doctors appointments, it's been said that apparently I stay home all the time. *sigh* There are times when I am at the Doctors so much that being home is my only refuge. I shouldn't have to explain that (or myself for that matter) to the people who are supposed to be my FRIENDS. Should I be punished or thought less of because I actually enjoy spending time with my husband?! I mean, wtf?! I don't walk around talking about how I think she should not be spending all kinds of ridiculous money om shit that is wasteful! NO, I'm just here for her when she asks me to be.

I swear to you I'm so tired of these so called friends of mine. I'm ready to sever the ties. I have other friends who are respectful of me and what I'm going through. I'm so grateful for them. It's so painful to me that my core group is the least supportive of me. I love them so much and it cuts me like a knife every time I hear (and believe me, I hear everything) something that was said about me.

In other news, someone stole my ATM card out of my mailbox and emptied my bank account. GOD help that person if I ever find out who they are. The world is letting me down more and more each day. I won't give up hope though. Still living with hope. (Even if I am home)

Talk soon,
Mish

Confirmed

2006-01-31T23:26:00.000-05:00

Went to doc's today. My negative hcg confirmed it. I am not pregnant. The good news is that I'm no longer pissed off. (sorta) LOL Now it's off for more testing. Hysterosalpinogram and that test for Cushings Disease/Syndrome. *sigh* I hate tests...

Another Stop Sign

2006-01-30T23:36:00.000-05:00

So...I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and said to hubby "I think I'm getting my period" which would be a freaking nightmare because Hday is on Wednesday. if I get a period then I'm not pregnant! I was dizzy all day and feeling generally shitty. I came home, went to the bathroom and what the fuck!! There was blood. Frikkin AF is here. I can't believe this! For a brief moment I tried to rationalize it. Maybe this is implantation bleeding... But in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I called Tony and asked him to pick up a test on his way home. That's right, and please excuse my french here - BUT FUCKING NEGATIVE again!!

I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I'm REALLY pissed. Only I, the hormonal wasteland of a woman could fuck up 13 eggs. Seriously.

I have an appt tomorrow for an Hcg, yah - keep dreaming doc! and to do a sono because I once again am hyperstimulated. This bites like nothing else.

The logical Spock-like part of me says "it's ok, it's better to just have it be negative than positive and then miscarry again" but the other part of me (the reality tv in-your-face part) says this is bullshit! When is it going to happen?

Ugh, I'm so angry I wish I could control it. I wish I wasn't so bitter. I wish that I wasn't so jealous of women who look at a penis and get pregnant. I have to go. I am feeling so negative that I need to sleep this off like a drunken stupor.

Angrily yours,
Mish

Day 1 of change

2006-01-29T22:32:00.000-05:00

OK, I finally did it. With the help of my angel (tony) I got up and did something. I cleaned my bedroom and the rest of the house. I also started my spring cleaning (i know, early.) Hooray for change. I am starting to feel almost human. Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with one of my very good friends and am going to start living life instead of just existing.

In other news, only 3 more days until H-day. (LOL, HCG testing to see if I am pregnant). I keep having weird dreams that my HCG level will come back super high. I'm trying to not get my hopes up as the letdown is just too much to bear. For all you other TTC'ers out there, I know you get me.

Tomorrow, I am going to pack my sneakers and some sweats and I am going to walk at lunchtime. Our building has a gym, so I might as well get some use out of it.

Talk again tomorrow, let's see how the change keeps going.

Time for a change

2006-01-28T22:42:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in my chair on this beautiful Saturday watching my many hours of TiVo'd shows. I was looking around at my extremely unkempt house and it was if I was looking at it for the first time in a year or so. You see, I used to be the type of person who was neurotic about cleaning. Over the past year or so, something changed. I'm different. Thinking about it now, I think I am depressed. I don't clean nearly as much as I used to. My friends used to say "Leave the dishes, they'll still be there when you get back" in order to get me to go out with them for an impromtu lunch or movie. I wish I could say that I no longer keep my house or life as organized as I used to be because I am always out. I'm always in my chair. I'm always ignoring the dishes - throwing clothes on the floor instead of hanging them up. I do NOTHING but go to work and doctors appointments during the week and on the weekends I can't be bothered to do anything. Is there something wrong with me? I don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I've done nothing but get poked and prodded, then come home and wait. What the hell am I waiting for? Even if by the grace of God I do become pregnant, will I even be capable of taking care of a baby? I know this is somewhat jumbled, but this is my brain right now. I don't like who I am anymore. I hate me. It's time to wake up out of this stupor that I'm in.

I cannot stop my life because I'm trying to create life.

I owe more to the peope here..NOW who are supporting me. Tony deserves a better wife. My parents deserve a better daughter and my job deserves a better employee. I need to make a change. I need to go on a diet, join a gym, clean my house and wake up out of this haze that I'm in. I need to go back to Chruch and learn to love myself again. I'm more that an infertile woman. Because I don't have a child (yet) it doesn't mean that life goes on hold until I do have that baby.

God help me to take that first step toward change.

Exhausted

2006-01-23T23:20:00.000-05:00

Today I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. I fell asleep at work!!! I had a full nights sleep so it's gotta be the Progesterone injections. I would actually blog s'more, but as I type this my eyes are closing. Before I go, I was lurking through another persons infertility blog and found the following pic. It's from a sight called Postsecrets. http://www.postsecrets.com People write in their deepest, darkest secrets.

This is so touching I had to share.

Sleepily yours,
Mish

Feelings

2006-01-23T00:07:00.000-05:00

OK, So it may be the hormones, but lately I am overwhelmed with emotion. I cried watching an episode of Star Trek when Lt. Worf (Gawd I'm such a geek) performed the bonding ceremony. I yelled at some of my coworkers when they told me that my hormones were "no excuse" for my behavior. Let me tell you something, my body is going through some major shit right now. I'm told that I have EIGHT times the amount of hormones of a "normal" woman raging through my body now. I can't stop from flying off the handle, or crying or just being sad. This really bites. I'm starting to get scared that it just won't happen. What will I do? adopt? no thanks. I know there are children out there waiting to be snatched up, but truthfully in my selfish way I just wanted someone to take my place. Someone to call me Mom. I want my own. I'm 34 and starting to freak a little. All my life things have just worked out for me. I'm EXTREMELY lucky and blessed to have the things and people in my life that I do. I have the absolute best husband in the world, which is a real blessing, since I honestly haven't been the best wife. I have great friends who drive me freaking insane, yet I wouldn't trade them for the world. Though lately, they have been pissing me off big time - when push comes to shove and I pick up the phone, I know they will be there.

So back to pregnancy. I am in only day 4 of my 14 day waiting period. Shouldn't I be feeling something by now? I'm so impatient. Tony (hubby) and I had dinner for our siblings and a few friends and afterwards I bent down to put some heavy pots away. I had the worlds worst pain, it stopped me in my tracks. Did I do something to my little egg? UGHHHHH This sucks so bad. I watch TV and see all the people, all the NORMAL people. Young couples who have kids. I'm so jealous I turn green. Why did I wait this long to start trying?! I know everything happens for a reason, but sheesh.

I was working on Friday (I'm a claims examiner for an insurance co) and I was entering this inpatient claim. This poor person had cancer of everything it seemed. Her brain, lungs, breasts, liver, spine...etc. I checked her age and she is only 34!! She is my age. I think about this girl constantly. She is on my mind. This faceless person. I wish I could hug her and tell her they will fix this and she will be ok. For all or anyone who happens across this, please say a prayer for her. Jane Doe we'll say. But pray.

I am wired right now and should be getting to bed. But again these emotions are keeping me up. As I sip here drinking my green tea, my eyes are welling up again bouncing from random thought to random thought.

Again, it must be the hormones but feelings are feelings.

Bombs away!

2006-01-18T20:15:00.000-05:00

Went for insemination today! Last count showed 13 eggs and believe me, it hurt like hell when I ovulated today. Eeeeek! I was in so much pain that I was almost in tears. The procedure itself went well. The doc took hubby's sperm and washed it and we got 37.5 million. Hubby's chest is puffed up with pride as I write this. LOL I'm feeling better this evening. Now I have a 2 week waiting period. In two weeks, I go back and have a pregnancy test. Keeping my fingers crossed. :) In other news, well...there is no other news. LOL This is it! I will try and keep my blog updated for all the other ladies trying to conceive. :) Wish me Luck!! Gota run, lost is coming on soon.

My Boog

2006-01-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

So, I just looked at some pics that my mother in law sent to me of hubby and some old ones of all the neighborhood kids. Since we all grew up together there were some REALLY bad ones of me (who knew owl glasses were so ugly) and a couple of my little brother. He isn't so little anymore, just turned the big 30. He's been through so much in his life (having cancer twice) and I'm so thankful he's here. Even though he's here and alive and well (THANK YOU GOD). I don't really know him. I feel like he's slipping away. Gone are the days of snuggling in bed, building tents and steam rollers. He lives probably 10 minutes away and it could be Guam. I learn about his life from his away messages and his blog. He is an enigma to me now. I enjoy seeing him drunk because he hugs me. (I know, sad) I really miss that little snot. I have accepted that this is the way things are and that if this is the relationship I must have with him in order for him to be here, breathing - then so be it. I'll take what I can get. Love ya Boog.

New Year

2006-01-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since October! What a crazy last 2 months of the year. Let's see... What happened? I gotta say not much! Celebrated my 3* birthday (LOL) and started fertility again. Well, it didn't work for the 2nd half of the year, but we DID start again this year. I have been getting shots of Follistim for the past 10 days and guess what? 13 eggs. I know, I almost fell on the floor myself. Doc said don't count your eggs before they're fertilized. LOL

Other than that, which has been taking up a majority of my time, work has been good. We had our holiday party a couple of days ago and I got a little drunk. OK, a lot drunk. BUT I didn't puke (always a bonus) and danced my butt off. I shook my money maker as one of my coworkers so eloquently put it. LOL

I've decided not to share any of my fertility issues with any of my friends. It is just too important to me and if I feel blown off then it just hurts. It's better this way. I am not punishing my friends by not telling them, I'm just saving myself. I say this because last month during my 2 week waiting period (which was hell) It was hard to explain to friends who have children. OF COURSE to them I'm over reacting, I'm trying to hard, If I took it easy then the baby would just come. SHUTUP already. Gimme a freakin break. Uh oh, the anger is coming out. Squash it Mish... Breathe....OK I'm good now. :)

Today I'm off for Martin Luther King Day. I'm going to clean up a bit and try to get my life in order. Wednesday is our insemination, so that day I just want to relax in my clean home and not worry about anything. I'll keep everyone posted!

Update

2005-10-24T22:24:00.000-04:00

Not much of an update, but here goes. I am fighting the write up at work, so we will see what happens with that. Tomorrow it's back to the Repro Endo for the next step -whatever that may be. :) (insert hopeful smile here)

This past week was my birthday and the day itself was SO GOOD!! I had a really great time. I got a lot of nice presents (including my new ipod nano!) and a great dinner with my family. I can even say it was a perfect day. Then on Friday, I went out with my friends to a club and got...WASTED. I threw up all over the place and basically emptied myself out, both physically and mentally. I think all the stuff I was holding in came out. Thank God. I swear my insides feel SO much better! Apparently I was holding a lot in. Even the not-so-great-stuff came out. *sigh*

All in all, not a bad week. Let's see what happens tomorrow!

You have got to be kidding me

2005-10-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

So, you're not gonna believe this... I got written up today. For what you ask?! For taking days off when I had my miscarriage. My supervisor (who shall remain nameless) hates me, and I gotta tell u the feeling is mutual. So wherever you are lady - sleep well. I can sleep with a clear conscience, can you?

TGIF, Sorta!

2005-09-23T19:42:00.000-04:00

I just saw some Hurricane Rita pics, New Orleans is flooded again. Geeeez These people just cant seem to get a break. Now, all the people they evacuated to texas are being evacuated from there to God knows where. (I didnt even think of that until one of my friends said it to me)

I'm pooped. I worked 11 hours today and am working 5 more tomorrow to make up the day I missed yesterday. My eyes actually hurt. Why the heck am I blogging?! I must be mad! I better go take my lenses out and give my peepers a break.

A test?

2005-09-23T02:40:00.000-04:00

OK, so the bad luck keeps coming. I'll make it short so I can move on to more exciting things. I had an emergency root canal today and my face hurts. I missed yet another day of work, so that sucks.

The doctor definitely found the pregnancy was stuck in my left fallopian tube. I had a shot of something or the other (I wont even attempt to spell it) and that is supposed to dissolve :( the pregnancy. I guess the good news is I CAN get pregnant, but just cant seem to make the darn thing stick.

So, what else? I think I am attempting weight loss starting Monday. As I was laying in bed moaning (for no good reason lol) after my root canal, I heard a commercial playing for Kirstie Alley, well apparently she just isn't a fat actress anymore. Whoop dee doo, if I was some bazillionaire who didn't have to work or cook or clean and some company was giving my free food I would probably lose 50 lbs too! I'm not bitter or anything. LOL

Today is the first day of Fall, Eeeewww! All my friends are looking forward to the cooler weather but I think it blows. I like the warm, even hot weather. I've been thinking a lot of Southern California lately, it must be so great to live there in the near perfect temperature all year round...but then there is that whole earthquake thing, and that I can live without.

Hurricane Rita is kicking the crap out of the gulf coast. I'm praying for those people. Stay Strong! Tomorrow, back to work. I'm sure I'll be fine, suffering a m/c and root canal. This is a test...this is only a test. My real life will be online soon, I'm sure of it.

Homebound

2005-09-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

I didn't feel like working today. I'm in pain and am staying home. I've been looking at all the pictures of Katrina and all the September 11th stuff out right now and I feel like a louse for letting my small problem overwhelm me when there are people out there with no homes, no food and no money. Soul searching time.

Right Decision?

2005-09-13T18:26:00.000-04:00

Today I went and the Doc pretty much has it nailed that my low levels were due to an ectopic pregnancy. *Sigh* I had to go in for a shot to make me miscarry. This messed me up for several reasons. #1. It felt like murder and #2. I wasn't done giving up hope. I know I'm being irrational but I felt like this was MY kid and he/she was a survivor. In the end I had to take the shot because otherwise if this pregnancy kept growing it could rupture my tube causing me to be even more messed up than I already am. The docs did also see my whit blood cell count was pretty high (which is normally is) but even higher than usual. I'm assuming that is because my body is trying to miscarry. Who freaking knows. All I DO know is I was pregnant and now I'm not. This is officially miscarriage #3. I gotta tell you, this is getting old.

More waiting

2005-09-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

Before I go on and on about myself, I find it necessary to say that September 11th was a big deal. I wasn't prepared for my emotions yesterday. It was overwhelming how everything comes back so fast. God Bless America, all the victims and the hero's. May peace be with us all.

Today I am heading to the Doctor for another blood test. Tony is coming with me, I think he needs some answers himself. I was up most of the night with the most horrible cramps in my back. Felt like I had to bear down. I'm gonna guess that isn't a good sign. :( We will see what happens today. After seeing all the news footage again yesterday from 9/11, it makes my problems seem so small. I guess perspective is what I am lacking.

More waiting

2005-09-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing. My HCG levels are supposedly rising normally, but now the Doctors office thinks something is wrong because it started too late? UGH. Here are my levels:

9/2 - 6
9/6 - 42
9/8 - 105

This brings me to today (which is 9/10). I am going back on Monday for yet another HCG to see what is happening. In the meantime, I guess it is more "hurry up and wait"

Today is the day

2005-09-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

Quick note, going in this morning for my b/w. I'm hopeful but not delusional. If it turns out this didn't work then I need to do a major overhaul on myself. It's time to quit messing around. Gotta run, docs office far away and need to get to work by 8! Eeeeeekkkk

Waiting is agonizing

2005-09-05T03:31:00.000-04:00

OK, a little info before I start. I have PCOS (for all you normal peeps, this stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Along with this, I have some kind of weird clotting thing and a weird chromosome thing going on, all of which makes me trying to have a baby the hardest thing in the world. My husband (Tony) and I had IUI which is Intra Uterine Inemination on September 19th. We waited patiently to see a positive result. When I went back for my bloodwork, we were told that my HCG level (pregnancy hormone-0 to 5 is negative) is SIX!!! WTF is that crap? The doctor says it may be late implantation. I say I'm tired... I've been a human pin cushion for almost 3 weeks. Tony has had to inject me with progesterone due to something called a luteal phase defect (apparently this is part of PCOS) You have to see the size of these needles. They're humgous. UGH!!! I have to go back on Tuesday to see if my levels are doubling or if this is another miscarriage. (I've already had 2).

I thought (stupidly) that I wouldn't be upset because this month has been very stressful for me. My dad had to have a pacemaker put in and then developed some sort of clot. (he has the same clotting disorder as me). My sister-in-law got married and I was responsible for paying a portion of her wedding as a gift. Work sucks ass and my supervisor is a psychopath. So basically, I told myself it was fine if this IUI didn't work this month. I was so wrong. I find myself now crying at any and every commercial that includes babies/children. The yearning for a child has become so strong that it is consuming me. I feel like, as a woman, I just am a failure because I can't seem to do the one thing that women DO. Just today at church, I bawled just hearing a song about God and how much he is there to comfort you. Luckily, my parents didn't notice. I haven't told anyone but a few choice people in my life about this (and whoever may read this. lol) because I hate getting everyones hopes up and then crash and burn.

In other news, my friend had a bbq luau today. It was a welcome distraction. Tony and I had a great time. It was definitely nice NOT to think about my possible kinda maybe sorta pregnancy. OK peeps, pray for me - I need it. Thanks!